Loooooooons, part something-or-other

One of my old buddies from my Clay Aiken fandom days (shut up) sent me an IM earlier, and I ended up in a AIM chat with her and another old imaginary friend. Anyway, I haven't been following Clay or the fandom at all lately, so I inquired as to whether the resident nutbars of the fanbase were still as nutbarrish. You know, considering American Idol 2 began in January 2003, and some of these people have been going full-speed ahead ever since. So we decided to have a look, to see if any tumbleweeds were blowing around the place or if the tumbleweeds had run away screaming in horror.

Well, we picked a good night to drop by, because Clay apparently spoke at a Voices for Change Gala in Hawaii today. It took a little digging to find out what he was galavanting about to change, but it seems his speech was advocating educational inclusion of children with disabilities. When he does something like this - speaks about kids, hugs someone's grandma, sings a high note, sings a low note, sings a middle note, clips his toenails - this loony part of the fandom gets ridiculously emotional. For example, and I quote, believe it or not:

*sob* I just listened to Clay's speech....thank you so much to those who've brought it to us! My heart is full to bursting with love for this man and I'm moved to tears. It seems unreal to me really, but I love Clay more than I've ever loved any other man. Now, there have been good men in my real life, whom I've definitely loved, but never like this.

Good grief! Why do hundreds of other adult women read this and sob right along with her, and think it's all perfectly normal?

Someone else confessed that her heart was just not big enough to love Clay. Well, this certainly shrinks the fandom. By my calculations, only those with an enlarged heart due to Chagas Disease, rheumatic fever, or some other infection, and the Grinch (at the end, of course) are capable of loving Clay. Or possibly giants, as in Andre the. I'm not sure if the heart size to body size ratio musn't drop below a certain value, or if the stand-alone size of the heart is what's important -the crazed woman was too busy weeping to clarify that point. All I know is, I have a big head, but only an average-sized heart, so I'm unable to love Clay sufficiently. Ah, well. I have more important people to love anyway. Like Scott. And my parents. And Josh Hartnett. Just kidding.

Hmm, I wonder about animals. There are animals with large hearts - can they love Clay adequately? A whale, for instance. Again, the ratio question becomes important. What's the heart:body ratio for a chicken, an elephant, a mongoose? Knowing these ratios (and whether the ratio is important or if it's just sheer size) would help in compiling a list of creatures with hearts big enough to love Clay. What about artichoke hearts? They're all heart - surely they would be able to love Clay. And if I agreed with the evolution theory, I would predict that the next humans may have five-chambered hearts, greatly facilitating the loving of Clay. It is necessary for survival, you know, since he is the most fantastic human being that has ever existed, anywhere, in the world.

Man, those people are just berzerko. He could burp in a jar and they'd buy it. And then travel to 35 locations to see it live from the front row.