Paris Hilton - in list form

I don't particularly care that Paris Hilton is getting married.

I am, however, mildly amused that she managed to find a (tattooed, four-eyebrowed) guy named Paris to marry. Even if the marriage only lasts for six minutes.

Hotel heiress and "The Simple Life" reality TV star Paris Hilton is engaged to her boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis, her spokesman said Monday.

At first, I thought that said she was engaged to "her boyfriend, Geek shipping heir Paris Latsis" which would have probably made him more interesting. I mean, not only would he have been a geek, he would have been a geek with a capital G.

Occasionally, I get sucked into The Simple Life. And afterwards, I always loathe myself. Kind of like that time I realized that I found an Ashlee Simpson song catchy.

I think it's ridiculous that Paris Hilton wrote a book in which there's a chapter entitled "How to be a Heiress". Duh. But I kind of want to read that book. Don't tell anybody. I'm sure I'll loathe myself after that experience, too.

I also think it's ridiculous that she carries around her stupid little dog in her purse, and that it wears more expensive clothes than I do.

I think it's funny that the The Superficial guy called Paris Hilton "a giant insect". Heh.

Re: her identically-named fiance, Paris says, "He writes me love letters and gets me roses every day. He has all my pictures of all my billboards everywhere. I love it." This makes me irate because Scott has ZERO pictures of my billboards. Hmph.

And in conclusion, I was out running last night and I almost ran RIGHT PAST a giant spider that was as big as my head. (Which really says something, because I have a disturbingly large head.) But then, my cat pawed it around a couple of times and proceeded to eat it. He protects me when I'm outside - he kills and/or eats stuff that is creepy-crawly, and if something big and scary would show up, he'd disappear. If I can see him, I know I'm not about to get attacked by a mountain lion or a serial killer. So he kind of works as a reverse watchcat. He doesn't know that's what he's doing, though - he thinks he's just having an occasional snack and getting his stomach scratched every fifth lap or so.

Oh, and this one time? My cousin was on a float in her pool and reached up to get her hair out of her face (or something) and discovered that there was a giant spider ON HER HEAD. And not only was it a giant spider, it was one of those HUGE spiders with a zillion little baby spiders on its back. EWWWWWW! I would still be in therapy over something like that. But she managed to graduate from dental school, in spite of such a traumatic experience.

Those last two things had nothing to do with Paris Hilton. But that's okay, nobody is still reading anyway. Goodnight!

Haaaaa! Let's point and laugh at the famous people!

I was perusing People's photo section, and saw a few that I thought needed captions or at least a comment. Not that I'm anywhere near the same humor caliber as the Snarkywood girls - but I was inspired, and I can still point and laugh. They'll never take that away from me! Never!

"Did I REALLY name my children Hazel and Phinnaeus? Why did I do that?"

"Where's Tom? Oh no, I hope I didn't squish him under my shoe. But really, what does he expect when he's always crouching like that? He's so close to the ground anyway, the freak."

Jessica Simpson's clothes are fourteen sizes too big and she looks like a Munchkin. And finally, I must point out that Lindsey Lohan and Mary Kate Olsen are wearing a ridiculous amount of clothing:

  

Why do these celebrities turn themselves into exoskeletons and then proceed to wear seven layers of clothing to look bulkier? I don't understand. I probably never will. Unless they're trying to get back at someone, like Joey's revenge strategery in The One Where No One's Ready - "Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I BE wearing any more clothes?" Heh.

Stuff that makes me cry

I'm watching the end of Titanic on NBC - sniffle, sniffle, sniffle. This movie came out about in December 1997, two months after Scott and I had our first date. Nice guy that he is, he took me to see it (he would still take me to see a 3-hour piece of sentimental fluff now, after almost eight years, but I feel guilty if I subject him to it. Unless it's Valentine's Day or my birthday - then I don't mind making him wade through the mush.)

He's completely bumfuzzled about the insane popularity of Titanic, and I just can't explain it. If I try, I end up saying something like this: "It's just ... he ... and they ... and then he ... but she ... waaaaaaaah!" See? Not very effective. I'm really not much of a sap, but Titanic always makes me cry. So does Steel Magnolias (IMDb, Amazon) and Beaches (IMDb, Amazon) no matter how many times I watch them. And oh, the Notebook (IMDb, Amazon). The book completely over-sapped me, but the movie made me cry like a big idiot, especially at the end. I think it made me particularly emotional because my grandpa had Alzheimer's disease, and the end reminded me so much of a picture that I have of he and my grandma, not long before he died. It's one of my favorite pictures in the world:

I just think it's so sweet.

I also cried at the end of A Beautiful Mind (IMDb, Amazon) when John Nash is accepting his Nobel Prize, and he starts talking about his wife:

I've made the most important discovery of my life. It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found. I'm only here tonight because of you. You're the only reason I am... you're all my reasons.

I was like, "It's a 100% logical scientist guy having an EMOTION! It IS possible!" Scott wanted to know what on earth I was crying about. So I explained (with great clarity), "It's just ... he ... he was like ... and she ... and then he ... but he still ... waaaaaaah!" Or maybe not so much clarity.

Good for MTV.

I didn't think I'd ever say that, actually, after they gave BOTH Simpson sisters TV shows and also, they let everyone walk around all nekkid and profane. But I am so tired of these celebrities that think they know more about foreign policy than the leaders of our country do.

Nine Inch Nails, MTV at Odds on Bush Photo

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Nine Inch Nails dropped out of the MTV Movie Awards after clashing with the network over an image of President Bush the band planned as a performance backdrop.

The Bush image was to accompany the song "The Hand That Feeds," which obliquely criticizes the Iraq war. It includes the lyrics: "What if this whole crusade's a charade / And behind it all there's a price to be paid / For the blood on which we dine / Justified in the name of the holy and the divine."

MTV said in a statement to its news division that the network was disappointed the industrial rock band would not perform but had been "uncomfortable with their performance being built around a partisan political statement."

That reminds me - I forgot to mention this horrible piece of trash that I heard on one of the late night talk shows (Jay Leno, I think) by some guy named Bright Eyes called When the President Talks to God. You may question someone's actions, and point out wrongdoing and sin where you see it, but the "judge not" verse that everyone likes to quote? That doesn't mean that no one is to ever say that anything is sinful - Jesus, the disciples, and the apostles all pointed out sin if they saw it. It means that you don't judge the fate of someone's eternal soul. (Excellent Stand to Reason article on the "judge not" issue here.) Their relationship with God is up to them and God, and God is the only one who gets to judge that. I think it was the biggest piece of garbage that I have ever heard set to music.

That is all, rant over.

UPDATE: Michele at A Small Victory mentions the NIN/MTV thing and the NIN boycott that followed their little, "FINE then, I'm just gonna take my ball and go home!" fit. And she just doesn't care. I concur - I think boycotts are silly. The end.

Random news item

Somebody keep this baby away from this woman! He has enough spare parts for SIX lawsuits!

Ore. baby born with extra toes and finger

MEDFORD, Ore. (AP) — A baby has been born with two extra toes on each foot and one extra finger on each hand. Born May 13, Vincent Monarque has five fingers and a thumb on his left hand, with the thumb and first finger joined by a web of flesh.

The part of the article that disturbed me the most was the normal method of removal:

Extra infant appendages are often no more than little tags of boneless flesh. Doctors remove them by tying a tight knot around them to restrict the flow of blood. Without a blood supply, they wither and fall off.

This little guy's extras actually have bones, though, so they'll require surgery. I hope none of those little tags of bone-ful flesh show up in a Big Mac or a Hardee's Thickburger or something. (Actually, the latter wouldn't be so bad - maybe they'd lose enough money to make them stop running those horrible commercials that are so not selling a hamburger.)

Auuuuuggggghhhhh! I removed the links to the American Idol performance clips that I had on my blog, because I was running out of bandwidth (now I'm officially out, and I'm paying 4 cents per MB until June 1) and I just realized that I left a couple of the Bo/Carrie clips up, and I've paid almost $20 in downloads of them. Auuuughhhhh!

I could suspend the site, but I'm just starting to get some good traffic and I'm afraid nobody will ever come back. What to do, what to do?

This may explain my big head

Appreciating sarcasm: It's a brain thing

Scientists have discovered comedy central in the brain -- specific tissue regulating the ability to understand sarcasm.

People with damage to the right frontal lobe, right behind the eyes, are unable to appreciate this kind of humor.

In sarcasm, "the literal meaning is different from the true meaning, and some people just don't understand that difference," said Simone Shamay-Tsoory, a psychologist at the Rambam Medical Center and the University of Haifa in Israel. Her study appears in the May issue of the journal Neuropsychology.

The study tested 25 people with damage to the frontal lobe, 16 with damage in the region to the back of the brain and 17 normal volunteers. Rigged to scanning devices, the subjects were presented with a series of sarcastic comments.

For instance: Joe came to work and fell asleep. His boss walks by. "Don't work too hard, Joe," he says. Both normal volunteers and people with damage to the back of the brain understood that the boss was being sarcastic.

But Shamay-Tsoory said that people with damage to the right frontal lobe didn't get the irony of the comment, and, in fact, failed to understand that the boss was not happy with his lethargic employee.

Shamay-Tsoory believes that apart from brain injury, perhaps even subtle differences in the "wiring" of this this region can leave people unable to empathize with others, and it is this lack of ascertaining another's emotional state that may be responsible for the inability to understand sarcasm.

I love sardonic humor (i.e., Dr. House and TWoP) so maybe I have five frontal lobes, which would of course lead to a freakishly large head. You think I'm kidding - but I'm Big Head McHuge. It's disturbingly ginormous. Sometimes I think it even disrupts the pull of gravity enough to affect global wind currents and therefore, the weather. Oh, I don't know. I'm just typing words.

Someone get Phil some conditioner, please!

It appears that Phil Spector is involved in some sort of murderous activities, allegedly. He hunts B-movie actresses for sport or something.

BUT.

Look. At. His. HAIR. Look at it!

What is it? Why is it? HOW is it? And where is it, because I want to make sure I'm someplace else entirely. Oh my goodness. It's like what Justin Guarini would look like if (let's fast-forward about 50 years, okay?) he underwent a botched operation to transform himself into Bea Arthur, then crashed into the offspring of Gene Wilder and whats-her-face from The Weakest Link. And then got stuck in a wind tunnel, and then put on a bad outfit with giant buttons and went to court.

Or, maybe Phil went to the Donald Trump School of How to Make Your Hair Look Like a Living Entity All Its Own. I'm scared. Yet also completely amused.

HT: Wizbang

American Idol top 2 and finale media clips

I edited my American Idol top 2 post to include links for mp3s and mpegs from the top 2 performances and the group medley - the post is here.

Also, the IMAO Carnival of Comedy is up. And it's funny and entertaining. Unlike this post.

Two guys, a girl, and a lab (some evil mice and rhyming names, also)

There are two guys renting some of our lab space (at least I assume they're renting it, but what do I know? They could be bartering with Cheetos and I would be oblivious. The point is that they're there) and I have a few random things to say about them. Don't worry, I won't bore you with a well-written introduction, or logical transitional statements, or any of that nonsense. Let's do a list! A liiiiiist!

• I would really prefer that their names rhyme, just because it would be cute. And easier to say, too. AND, if I change all of the letters in the name of one of them, I could make it rhyme with the other guy's name, and the new name is a real name and everything! And he even gets to keep his first letter! But noooo, he won't answer to the new name that I've given him. Isn't that rude? Especially since the other one is always calling me bizarrely incorrect names like Amy or Karen. Whatever, I answer anyway.
• They're doing something that involves science (that's about all I know) and so, to amuse myself, I have decided that they have conversations that are not unlike those of Pinky & the Brain. (For the sake of argument, let's call them Muff and Puff. Because THAT RHYMES, and it's CUTE.)

  Puff: Muff, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
  Muff: I think so, Puff, but wouldn't the chicken notice he was missing a toe?

  Or -

  Muff: What do you want to do tonight, Puff?
  Puff: The same thing we do every night, Muff. TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

  I hope that's not what they're doing. And I'm afraid to ask, because I'm afraid they'd tell me and then have to kill me.
• They make me feel like a serious underachiever because they're undergraduates and yet they're inventing stuff. I haven't invented a blasted thing. Even Scott has invented something - noodles with Ragu or Prego or whatever's on sale at Kroger. (Shhhh - he thinks he invented that complicated culinary masterpiece, and I don't have the heart to tell him differently. He was so proud when he told me, "I ate something that I invented!" Which, incidentally, is a scary statement when a male chemist says it.)
• I keep forgetting that they're back there, and I'm used to being in the lab by myself in the evenings, so I'll be all rocking out to It's Tricky or some such thing while I'm cleaning glassware or doing something else monotonous that a monkey could do, and one of them shows up out of nowhere and scares the crap out of me. And it doesn't help that I have this crazy hypersensitive startle reflex - those cans of biscuit dough that pop open give me at least four cardiac episodes. So I'm sure they think that I'm some crazy girl who is always jumping seven feet in the air for no reason. I do count those scary encounters as aerobic exercise, though, which is a good thing.

You know, I'm going to miss working at the lab. I think there's only one aspect of the lab that I won't miss. It's been a great place to work while I was in school, really.

And you know who I completely forgot existed? Kid 'N Play. That is all.

American Idol top 3 performance mpegs

I added mpeg video clips of last Tuesday's American Idol performances to my earlier American Idol post, if anybody needs those. The post is here.

Things not to include in my obituary.

I was reading the newspaper this morning and as I skimmed the obituaries (I'm not old enough to read the obituaries first, in their entirety!) I saw something that I had to read twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things. One woman's obituary started out normally, and then said something like, "She was a member of blahdeblah church, founder of such-and-such theater group, and was a big fan of Clay Aiken." HUH? For the love of all that's good and pure, DO NOT include that in my obituary. PLEASE! Not anything similar either - "She was a student at something-or-other School of Medicine and she got all excited when a Boy Meets World marathon was on ABC Family." Sheesh.

There was also something entertaining in the police blotter - someone reported a burglary, and the only thing missing was about $15.00 in frozen dinners. Heh.

This is really sad.

W.Va. Police Probe Teens' Shooting Deaths

HUNTINGTON, W.Va. -- Police brought several people in for questioning and searched for clues Monday in the shooting deaths of four teenagers on the morning after the prom.

The teenagers were killed early Sunday in the front yard of the apartment house where one of the victims lived. Police believe that man, Dante Ward, may have been the intended target and the other three were killed to prevent them from identifying the shooter, police Capt. Steve Hall said.

[snip]

A neighbor said he and his daughter were awakened by gunshots and a girl pleading for her life.

"There was a burst of gunfire, and then there was a small pause, and that's when I heard the girl say, `Please don't kill me, I'm sorry,'" Michael Thomas said. "And I heard two more gunshots."

Thomas added: "You send your kids to the prom and you just hope they don't drink and drive. You'd never expect they're going to get murdered in cold blood."

Dillon's father, Garry Dillon, said he had no idea why his son and Poston were at Ward's house. "I just hope the police get the monster that did this to those babies," he said.

On my local news, they talked to a counselor at one of the schools attended by one of the kids. He said something about just being there, encouraging the students to talk, and that kind of thing. It was in stark contrast to the response by my terrible school counselor when a friend of mine died when we were in the eighth grade. I remember standing in the hallway with some friends, and we were all talking and crying, and our counselor came by and said, "If you girls can't pull yourselves together, you need to go home." And then she went on down the hall. Pathetic, I thought.

Anyway, the families of those kids that were killed over the weekend, and their friends, are in my prayers.

Another preventative post, directed at TPTB at Fox

Look here, Fox. About a month ago, when I issued the "Don't kill Kiefer" directive? I meant it then, and I still mean it. I'm going to be really mad if you kill Kiefer. And if you send him to Siberia, I will also be mad. So don't kill Kiefer, or I will be forced to unleash my wrath on you.

In other news, I almost unleashed my wrath on my mom, as she and I were making strawberry jam during the first hour of the 24 finale. I was mashing strawberries, trying desperately to hear the TV over the fan in the kitchen, and the rattle-rattle-rattle-CRASH of jars and lids, in addition to Mom's commentary. "Hey, is this a show about the president? Of the United States? Look, it's the Allstate insurance guy! Is he the president? I thought he was an Allstate insurance guy? Is that Avril Lavigne wearing a black wig? I always thought she was probably a terrorist." (Okay, I added in that last bit about Avril.)

They'd better not kill Kiefer. Or send him to Siberia. Seriously.

UPDATE: Just so we're clear - do not. I mean it. Also, this wimpy, stand-for-nothing president character (not President Palmer) sucks. That is all.

Tom Cruise is on Oafra. And he loves Katie Holmes. No really, he DOES.

So, Tom Cruise is on Oprah today, and they began the interview (after most of the audience went down in a squealing mass of giddy heart attacks) talking about his new "relationship" with Katie Holmes. Which is TOTALLY normal, even though she's like, the square-root of his age, makes him look like a hobbit, and has hoof-and-mouth disease sometimes.

The first thing that Oprah (who, incidentally, my aunt calls "Oafra") wanted to know was how they met. And I was anticipating a hilarious story, because Tom couldn't stop doing that soundless, wrinkly-nosed laugh that he does long enough to tell it. Finally he managed, "We met." And then after he soundlessly laughed for a few more minutes, he said, "I've always admired her work." Well, Tom, that IS funny. And he proceeded to give a "I do TOO totally love her!" performance, consisting of some convincing laughter, crouching, and jumping on the couch. Okay.

And he keeps awkwardly saying that she's extraordinary, with an extraordinary life-force, or some such crap. I'm still not convinced. Wait, now he's switched to "amazing". She's amazing. She's amazingly amazing. He's amazed at how amazing she is. And then the audience squealed some more. Amazing!

I have an issue of Rolling Stone from the summer, with a Tom Cruise interview (I bought it to read about the "Vote for Change" concerts, which were SUCH a big success - HA) and since I can't ever throw anything away, I dug it out to share his argument for scientology, his pseudo-religion. Now, this argument is so well-thought out and convincing, you'll probably switch to the pseudo-religion scientology IMMEDIATELY. Don't say I didn't warn you:

He lists some of Scientology's selling points: its drug-abuse, prison-rehabilitation and education programs. "Some people, well, if they don't like Scientology, well, then, f*** you." He rises from the table. "Really." He points an angry finger at the imaginary enemy. "F*** you." His face reddens. "Period."

It is a beautiful exhibition, and I don't believe that he's acting.

Okay, I'm going to watch the rest of this Tom and Oafra interview. I'm sorry that I turned all of you into scientologists.

Edited to add - ack! How could I have not linked to Snarkywood's "Tom + Katie 4EVAH, A 'Point-And-Laugh' Pictorial"? I don't know how I could have not done that. So here you go.

UPDATE (6/21, 8:00PM) - I finally got around to uploading a mpeg from the episode of VH1's Best Week Ever that dealt with Tom's insane couch gymnastics. So if you haven't seen his craziness, here you go. Please right-click the link and choose "save as" instead of streaming the video from my server, because it saves my bandwidth. You can also check out the donation section in my sidebar if you want to help with bandwidth costs. Thanks!

Tom Cruise Goes Berserko, Act I (~47MB)

UPDATE (7/21/05) - I'm removing the link to the file, because my bandwidth is approaching the limit and I don't want to pay per MB if I exceed my allotted bandwidth. I'd gladly host more files, but y'all keep ignoring my donation links and my Shameless Begging in yonder sidebar! (Except for songstress, who iswesome.) I'll put the link back up somewhere around August 1st when my bandwidth rolls back to zero.

UPDATE (08/07/05) - File is back. :-) And now, Chris and Lydia are awesome too, in addition to songstress, who is still awesome. Y'all just don't realize how much even an amount like $2 or $5 helps. :-)

Lindsey Lohan's doing her opening monologue on SNL, and I was thinking, "Ugh, she looks kind of awful. And she reminds me of someone - who is it? Hmmm - who is it? Oh, I know! It's DONATELLA VERSACE." That is NOT a good thing. Something that is a good thing? Coldplay. I hope they sing Fix You, so I can make an mp3 of it that is complete and doesn't have dramatic voice-overs by the O.C. cast. Nothing against the O.C. cast, of course, except Julie Cooper Nichol - who is able to kill with ONLY HER MIND.

UPDATE (12:45AM) - Yippeeeee! They ARE singing Fix You. This song is beautiful, though it's no The Scientist, one of my favorite songs ever (which also happens to be a Coldplay song.) I'll put up a link to the mp3 of the SNL performance of Fix You later, after I get around to making one. Also, Chris Martin is making scary faces at me. Stop that, Chris Martin. Oh, and why I have your attention - why on earth did you let Gwyneth name your kid "Apple"? That was just wrong.

UPDATE (5/22, 8:55PM) - Okay, I uploaded a live version of Fix You as performed on SNL last night. Because my bandwidth for the month is about to run out, I used YouSendIt to upload the file - the download link will expire after 7 days or 25 downloads, whichever comes first. So if you want the mp3, click on this link, then follow the instructions.

The kind of thing that makes my head explode. Or, how not to take an antibiotic.

I just read a post by Don at Zap*Germs that reminded me of something I meant to write about a couple of weeks ago regarding antibiotic resistance. This is also the kind of thing that makes my head explode.

A friend of Mom's had a cold or a sinus infection or something, and her husband was also sick with something similar. Being too stubborn to go to the doctor, they continued to sniffle and carry on until their 20-something son remembered an antibiotic that he was prescribed a few months ago. Upon checking, they discovered that they still had the prescription bottle in the kitchen, so they called in a refill. (This is when pressure starts building up in my head, but it doesn't completely explode until I hear the next part of the story.)

The husband was the sickest of the two, but he was too stubborn to take the antibiotic unless his wife had some medicine too, so do you know what they did? They SPLIT the prescription and each took two pills of the five-pill course (it was a Z-pack, I think.) Gah! I don't know why they didn't break the fifth one in half, bringing each dose to 2 1/2 pills. I mean, it's the only logical thing to do.

Sheesh. It's not a good idea to expose microorganisms to random antimicrobials unless it's the minimum inhibitory concentration for the particular microbe that you're trying to inhibit or kill. The more they're in the presence of a dose that's less than inhibitory, the more likely it is that they'll develop some kind of resistance mechanism to that antimicrobial. It's like leaving the Jurassic Park velociraptors with the electric fence for a long time - it gave them a chance to figure out a way around it. Then, once a resistance mechanism has been developed by the microbe (like acquiring a gene that codes for an enzyme which breaks down the antimicrobial) it can helpfully share that information with another microbe by passing along a plasmid, and then they're both resistant. Yay!

Anyway, in conclusion, take ALL of an antibiotic that is prescribed for YOU, for an infection that you currently have, not one you had six months ago. It saves the head of your friendly neighborhood blogger from explosions. Thanks.

What Bill Nye the Science Guy and his girlfriend do on a typical visit.

I'll talk about American Idol and upload clips this weekend - I'm visiting Scott until Saturday morning. :-)

What are we doing, you wonder? Well, it's very exciting. You may want to sit down. I am having a thrilling evening watching Everybody Loves Raymond season 3 DVDs and blowdrying my hair, and he's at a 12:01AM showing of Revenge of the Sith. The reason that I'm not with him is partially my fault, and partially his fault, and partially nobody's fault. A week or so ago, he sent me an email in which he said he was "trying" to go to the first RotS showing. I said, "What are you doing to 'try'?" He said, "I'm thinking about getting tickets. But they're probably already sold out."

So I told him I'd go to fandango.com (which was a sacrifice in itself, because I hate those stupid paperbag commercials with the fiery heat of 1,000 suns*) and try to get tickets. I bought two and sent them to him, and he ended up asking the pastor of the church he goes to while he's at school (which I refuse to call "his church" because this is not home, no it is not!) I was like, "You are surrounded by people (and by people I mean supergeeks) working on doctoral degrees in chemistry, and you ask your pastor to go to a 12:01AM showing of freaking Star Wars??" But they're big buddies, whatever.

Then, I decided to come and visit at the end of this week because otherwise, I couldn't see him for two more weeks and it's already been five weeks since I last saw him. (You know, when I think about it, long distance relationships are hard.) So I asked him to casually mention at church on Wednesday evening that I was en route to see him, figuring that his pastor would say, "Oh, do you want to give her (meaning me, the significant other than he sees once a month, maybe, who drove several hours to visit) the other ticket?" I told him to only mention it if it came up in conversation, if he felt comfortable, blahdeblah. When he came back from church, and I had arrived and was cooking dinner, he said that his pastor was all excited, and had taken a nap so he could stay up late, and so he didn't mention anything about me being here.

Bah.

We tried to find tickets to one of the other showings tonight, but they were all sold out. Stupid Star Wars geeks. Bah on them all!

Oh well. I get to pilfer through all his stuff and uncover all of his deep, dark secrets! Muahaha haha haaaaa! Just kidding. He doesn't have any of those. I know, because I've already pilfered. Kidding again.

Incidentally, what is the definition of "third wheel"? Scott and I are at odds about this definition, and I need some evidence to prove that I'm right and he is wrong so NYAH. Besides, I was going to threaten to kick everyone in the kneecaps if they didn't start commenting, but I think this may be more true to my sweet nature. Hah.

*For you veerd ferners, I mean a thousand, not one-point-zero-zero-zero. Crazy ferners and your goofy comma usage. Because if I hated Fandango with the fiery heat of one sun, it's not quite as effective. It's still hot and everything, but you know - it works better if it's wildly exaggerated. Just to clarify.

UPDATE (1:38AM) - I just broke the little sliding shelf that holds Scott's keyboard and mouse and scared the living crap out of myself. I was in the middle of trying to check my AOL mail on aol.com when everything fell in the floor, and AOL tells me that it can't log me in because "an unexpected error occurred". Yes, I didn't expect that the keyboard and shelf and mouse would hit the floor either. I don't even think I was touching it. Hm.

Dave says 'Stand Up', y'all!

When I read a review of Dave Matthews Band's new album that said it was start to finish Bush bashing, I was like, "Da-ave! Why does it have to be all like that? Can't you sing about something else in between your tweets, chirps, trills, and assorted other funny noises?" But after listening to seven of the tracks, I've decided that the reviewer? Is just SILLY. Or it could be that I'm deaf. Or, maybe Dave is speaking in some sort of super-secret moonbat code language and I accidentally ate the decoder ring that was in the box of Organically-Grown, No Animals Were Harmed in the Making of This Product, Enlightened and Progressive Shreds of 100% Post-Consumer Recycled Cardboard Cereal. Or the reviewer could just be silly.

I bought seven of the tracks from iTunes [Dreamgirl, Hello Again, Hunger for the Great Light, Louisiana Bayou, Stand Up (For It), Steady As We Go, and Stolen Away On 55th and 3rd], and you probably shouldn't ask how I picked which ones to download, because the process was so logical and scientific that it may make your head explode. Ha.

It always takes me a few listens to like a song (well, My Immortal by Evanescence and Hand Me Down by matchbox twenty were exceptions) but I can tell that I'll like all seven. They're typical Dave, although I'm not sure there's another Crash Into Me, Grey Street, or Stay in there. They seem to be heavier on the piano than DMB's other albums, which is always good as far as I'm concerned, and some tracks have a twinge of a R&B feel.

In Dreamgirl and Steady As We Go, Dave is all awash with lurve (I stole that phrase from my imaginary Internet friend Karen.) Dreamgirl is cute and makes me want to go frolicking through the nearest meadow - Steady As We Go is very low-key music-wise, the piano definitely dominates that one. At first I was confused as to how DMB would manage to stretch it into a 27-minute song when they perform it live, but the full band kicks in near the end, and they could easily add a ridiculously long outro to that. In Hunger for the Great Light, Dave is awash with another something besides lurve. Heh.

Stand Up (For It) is likeable for the drums alone. Louisiana Bayou has a great hook that will be stuck in your head for about five days. And I heard Hello Again when I saw DMB live last summer, so I already knew I liked it - the beat is catchy and something about it sounds almost bluegrass-y. It knocks on the door of making me want to clog. I was surprised by the title of that track, though - from the lyrics I could understand last summer - "Hello again, blah blah blahblah, blah blah blee bloo, hello again" - I was sure it would be titled something like "#83". Typical Dave title, you know. I think Stolen Away On 55th and 3rd will grow on me, but it's my least favorite of the seven tracks I downloaded.

Anyway, the album sounds like it was fun to make. And they were nice enough to put a picture of the offspring of the fire dancer and the T-1000 from Terminator 2 on the cover

.

Inarticulately sweet? Maybe? Or whatever?

I just read on Yahoo News that Britney Spears Alexander Federline and Kevin Federline were on Ellen today (promoting their very snark-worthy reality show that premieres next week, I assume.) One particular part of the article jumped out at me:

While the exposure is nothing new for Spears, being front and center is a different experience for Federline, who says the publicity and paparazzi-hounding are only minor distractions.

"I'm just happy with who I'm with. I love her and everything else is whatever."

How, uh, sweet? Just think - if Scott hadn't blinded me with science, I may have landed a super-articulate vocabulatarian like KFed. Ah, what might have been. *sigh*

Mom's rhododendron is blooming, and it is bee-you-ti-ful, so I thought I'd share.

Rhododendrons usually aren't that big, but that one is really old - I think it's almost as old as I am - it's been there about 20 years, at least. (The rhododendron is West Virginia's state flower, you know.) The bees love Rhoda - the whole thing is always abuzz.

For some reason, I always think of bumblebees to be on the low-IQ end of the insect world - you know, going around all, "Duhhhhhh ..." with a deep voice like Brad Garrett's character on Everybody Loves Raymond (RIP). If I were, say, a praying mantis, I would view the bumblebee as a big loveable oaf, I think. Anyway, Lucky was outside with me during the photo shoot, but he really couldn't have cared less, about Rhoda, or the oaf-ish bee, or anything.

You know what I really like about Jack Bauer? (Well, besides the voice - by the way, Corrie, where art thou? Thou commentedest for awhile, and now thou hast stoppedeth. Others too, but by mentioning Kie(EEEE!)fer's voice, I just reminded myself of The Veerd Dutch One.)

Anyway, Jack Bauer. I love that he's this big hero, who does the right thing at the right time even though he raises the ire of some people, and keeps saving the world just by doing his job and doing it well, despite what people think about him.

And yet, he says "nucular".

And then we have this president character who rules with a loosely-clasped fist - a whiny, foreign country-consulting invertebrate who can't make a decision to save his life (or anyone else's.) But by golly, he pronounces "nuclear" correctly!

I also love that 24 has an obvious slant. You don't see "the good guys" going around fluffing the pillows of terrorists, asking if they're comfortable, offering them lemonade, and making sure no evil soldier is giving them the hairy eyeball. If you have never watched 24, START. Get season one and watch it like a giant movie. Get season two and season three and do the same. Or, buy all three seasons at once and make a weekend of it. Scott watched seasons 1-3 like that, ridiculously fast, and then loaned seasons 1 and 2 to his sister and brother-in-law. When they finished season 2, his brother-in-law wanted to drive all the way to Scott's apartment at school to get season 3. Then his sister pointed out that it would be cheaper just to buy it.

Anyway, it's such a great show. Everybody needs to watch it, watch it I say! I'm hoping that my head doesn't explode before I find out what happens in the finale next week.

Must find a way to make these polite carnival link posts more interesting.

A couple more carnivals:

The Best of Me Symphony, featuring Nathaniel Hawthorne, is up at The Owner's Manual.

And Carnival of the Cats is up at Aptenobytes.

And, last night, I dyed my hair exactly the same color that it already was. I have to do that once in awhile, because in August 2003, I stupidly decided to highlight my own hair (brunettes, DO NOT. Ever.) So I ended up looking like a calico cat, which isn't a good look for me at all. And there you go.

Whoosh - there goes Newsweek's credibility

This Newsweek thing is RIDICULOUS - I'll be cancelling my subscription, and I hope their anti-American publication goes down the tubes, taking its last shred of credibility with it. To publish a story like the one that they published, without solid proof, KNOWING that it was going to inspire riots in a group of people who riot at the drop of a hat, a group of people who did not need another reason to want to kill Americans - it's just unbelieveable.

The need for the mainstream media to make Bush look bad at all costs, gleefully rubbing their hands together over all unrest in the Middle East because they can then blame it all on the Bush administration - it's out of control.

There's an interesting take at Uncle Sam's Cabin about the rioting, even if the story had been true - explaining why you don't see crazy and murderous behavior from Christians in response to things like Andres Serrano's "art" featuring a crucifix submerged in urine. That which makes the Bible the true Holy Book, and the power that a Christian sees in a crucifix, are not confined to a physical copy of the Bible or a plastic replica of a crucifix. The Holy Spirit, the true God, lives within the heart of each believer, as does God's Word which is written on the heart of the Christian, and remains there no matter what desecration any physical symbol of Christianity is subjected to.

LaShawn Barber and Michelle Malkin have continued updates and lots of links, as usual.

UPDATE: Also, I found a good article at Intellectual Conservative that addresses a big question on my mind regarding this whole thing (although I'm kind of ashamed to admit it.) How on earth would they have gotten an entire book down a toilet?? If water pressure in Cuba is that good, I'm almost tempted to move there. Good water pressure is like, #4 on my list of basic needs. It's the only thing that's wrong with going to Disney World - the water drips lazily from the annoying "water saver" shower head, and I have horrible, flat-yet-fuzzy hair, not unlike Jerry and Kramer's in that episode of Seinfeld.

One more update - FrankJ is, of course, being funny about the Newsweek debacle, with a great In My World. Those things make me feel like I write like an intellectually-challenged kindergartener with no sense of humor. But anyway, here's my favorite part:

"Blood, chaos, mayhem - that is what journalism is about," said the evil editor of Newsweek. "These stories that enrage the Muslims are causing destruction and increasing sales since they tend to rip apart the first copy in anger and then buy another to remember what they're angry about. Do we have anything else for the next issue?"

"I have a story on how Bush snuck into Mecca and spray painted his gang sign there," said one writer.

"How many sources do you have on that?"

"0.3"

"Good enough; run with it! Muh ha ha ha!"

There is less of Will Ferrell. So he's like, Wi Ferre. That sounds French. I don't like him anymore.

Wow, Will Ferrell has lost 87 pounds. That's a lot. With 87 pounds, you'd have a little more than enough to make a whole other Mischa Barton - I mean, if you wanted another one. Here's the newly svelte Will on Conan O'Brien a couple of nights ago, graciously offering his hindquarters:

And for those of you who prefer your Will Ferrell to be light on the hindquarters:

Good for him. I hope he didn't lose weight to appease someone who was constantly niggling at him and pointing out the calorie content in everything he eats. Because that? Is rude. Unless you have M.D. after your name and someone is paying you to be in charge of their health. I'm glad Scott/Mom/Dad/[insert other family member or friend here] doesn't harrass me about such things, because if they did, I'd be tempted to punch them. Even though I love them, of course.

Speaking of Will Ferrell, he's hosting SNL tonight. Yay!

American Idol top 4 - brief and belated, yet clip-ful

UPDATE (June 21, 2005)
Files are back. :-)

UPDATE (May 19, 2005)
I removed the files, because I'm running out of bandwidth. :-) I'll put them back up around the beginning of June, when my bandwidth starts anew. :-) I could afford to host more files if y'all would refrain from ignoring my shameless begging section in yonder sidebar. :-)

UPDATE (5/14/05, 10:00PM EDT)
Oooops, I accidentally turned Vonzell into Anthony in one of those video clip links. Sorry, Vonzell! I'll bet that made her cry some more. Anyway, it's fixed now. :-)

How does Ryan always make me feel like American Idol is the most important thing in the universe during his overly dramatic intro? He is a man of many talents, indeed. (And with that "indeed", I sound like the folks elsewhere. That other guy, too.) Ryan also did a nice job trying to convincingly say that we all miss the horrible, thuggish, not-at-all likeable Scott Savol. And then the audience expressed their dismay with an emphatic, "Woo."

And the award for Most Unnecessary Prop Used in the Most Unnecessary Segment of a Reality Show goes to ... that map of the United States! Yaaaaaay!

Okay, contestants.

Carrie Underwood
Sin Wagon by the Dixie Chicks
performance clip ~23MB, please right-click and "save as"
If You Don't Know Me By Now by Simply Red
performance clip ~22MB, please right-click and "save as"

Here's the thing about her first song - my clogging group has a routine to that song (a really fun and fast routine, by the way) and when we learned it, I was kind of unsettled by some of the lyrics. After some thought, I decided that I don't feel those words in my heart, and doing the routine isn't the same thing as if I actually thought or said those sentiments and believed them. I listen to some songs for the great lyrics (The Scientist by Coldplay, Fields of Gold by Sting, Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen, Always on My Mind by Willie) and some for the musical arrangement or the uplifting beat. Sin Wagon is one of the latter (incidentally, so is In Da Club by 50 Cent, heh.) I actually liked Amy Adams's version of Sin Wagon last season better than Carrie's, though. But that may have been the band's fault. And I also love Carrie's shirt. (Apparently so did Bo, because I thought he was wearing it at first glance when he sang his first song.)

Bo Bice
It's A Great Day To Be Alive by Travis Tritt
performance clip ~19MB, please right-click and "save as"
For The Love Of Money by The O'Jays
performance clip ~19MB, please right-click and "save as"

The Travis Tritt song - meh. Funny little segue about Travis Tritt - I remember sometime last year, I heard about a guy who was arrested because he was trying to hire a hit man to kill his wife (whose name may or may not have been Big Fat Paulie. I'm talking about the hit man, of course, not the guy's wife.) Apparently, he asked the fake hit man (Officer Big Fat Paulie) how much it would cost to have Travis Tritt offed as well. I couldn't figure that out - I mean, I can't imagine being bothered by the fact that Travis Tritt is alive, you know? But here's the thing about Bo - he's growing on me. I HATE that! In the second song, though, he needed to button up, Buttercup. Ew. But mostly, I was busy being glad that For the Love of Money wasn't accompanied by a snarling Donald Trump and that scary thing that died on his head.

Also, I could tell that Bo's dad (who is, somehow, the child of Kenny Rogers and George Lucas) totally wanted to be like, "Heheheheheh. Look here at this pretty wife I got, y'all."

Anthony Fedorov
I'm Already There by Lonestar
performance clip ~19MB, please right-click and "save as"
If You Don't Know Me By Now by Simply Red
performance clip ~17MB, please right-click and "save as"

I think you could take every song he sang on the show and string them all together, and they'd sound like one big seamless song. (Except for Poison Ivy, which I think most people have attempted to strike from their memory.) Somebody should have advised him on song choices (Paula? Is that included in the services that you offer?) Did he learn nothing from Josh Gracin in season two? You don't sing the same song as a frontrunner, dude. Anyway, g'bye.

Vonzell Solomon
How Do I Live by Trisha Yearwood
performance clip ~27MB, please right-click and "save as"
Don't Leave Me This Way by Thelma Houston
performance clip ~17MB, please right-click and "save as"

Awww, what's wrong with Vonzell? I think she probably can't believe that Jennifer Garner is having a child out of wedlock, and she just couldn't hold that in. Or she could be sad that her dad is being straight pimped-out all up in there. Or possibly not. Anyway, I like her and I'm glad she's in for another week. Re: her second song - egad! I don't have that. *runs to iTunes*

Hopefully, next week I'll be able to upload the mpegs faster - I only had to work one day this week, so I only had my dinosaur dialup. Bleh.

This, that, and the other thing

I want to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants* when it comes out. And I am way older than 12. Is that wrong? I also read the book. Does that make my desire to see the movie more wrong? Or less wrong? Or the same amount of wrong?

The IMAO Carnival of Comedy is up. Some funny Sith.

Also, those Chase credit card commercials make me cry, especially the one with that 100 Years song by Five For Fighting/John Ondrasik (lyrics, iTunes) The song makes me cry anyway, and the album it's on, The Battle For Everything, is good.

*I first typed "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Plants", which is a different movie altogether. It kind of sounds like one that would have some pretty amusing MST3K commentary.

I do have some video clips of last night's AI performances - what I do not have is a broadband connection. (I love living in a rural area because of the safety, I hate it because of the ridiculously long download/upload times. GRRR!) So I'll let the clips upload overnight and post the links tomorrow - I usually let them upload on one of the computers at the lab, but I didn't have to go in to work today.

I also have some thoughts on the aforementioned performances. I'll bet you can't wait to hear them. Well, you'll have to. In the meantime, here - have one of my favorite clips from Family Guy. It's from the episode when Meg and Lois are off to the beach for Spring Break and Peter sells the house to a family that turns out to be avid Pictionary players. Maybe I think this is so funny because I've played a lot of Pictionary, and this falls into the "true, funny because it's" category.

Right-click and "save as", as usual - it's about 7MB. I think I may have posted this before, but oh well. It's a Jackal!

So, Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellwegger got married? Well. Hm. Huh. That's ... well ... huh. Anyway, whatever. Okay.

I don't know - she thinks his tractor's sexy? He likes translucent girls, especially ones with shoulder blades that aren't allowed on airplanes? I don't know.

Kenny Chesney, though - rowr. Rowr, even though he reminds me of a cross between the guy who did something to me that was so inconsiderate that it remains the crappiest thing anyone has done to me*, and Scott's brother, which results in a disturbing chimera indeed.

*I'll share, if anybody cares. It's not anything huge, but man, it hurt.

UPDATE: Le Fuzz is having a similar reaction, except fuzzier.

On eyebrows - the missing, the plentiful, the mismatched

I have a million things I want to write about. I can't decide which thing to pick, though. Instead, I'll just make a bunch of random comments, through which there weaves no common thread. So don't try to find one. You may, however, try to find D.L. Hughley's eyebrows. I still can't.

I am going to kick things off with a common thread, though, and I'm aware of it - so don't everybody knock each other down to point it out at once. Seriously, stop shoving! While I'm discussing M.I.A. eyebrows, I'll discuss some that have reappeared - MINE! For about a year, I've had a problem with these weird lesion-things on the skin under my eyebrows, always near the arch, and they wouldn't heal unless I plucked the nearby hairs. As a result, I ended up with approximately four eyebrows, according to recent industry estimates. Scott found it extremely funny, and I don't think he's looked me in the eye for a year, because he can't stop looking at my prolific eyebrows. So I got in the habit of fixing the bald places with an eyebrow pencil, and even though it wasn't obvious unless you were an inch from my face, I still felt like one of those little old ladies who shave their eyebrows and draw them in.

Anyway, for the past couple of days, I've looked at myself in the mirror on my way out the door and was like, "Aaaaaack! I have inadvertently stolen Peter Gallagher's face!" Then I had to go tone down the eyebrow pencil.

Do you know what that means??

My eyebrows have grown back! They're back! The icky lesion-things have healed, allowing my gross, mangy eyebrows to fill themselves in. Wheeeee! The only thing that I can figure out is that this glorious copper serum from Platinum Skin Care did the healing. I've been using it for awhile and it makes me all radiant and crap. I can't get it anywhere near my mouth, though, or it's like I've been snacking on pennies. Blech.

Oh, what the heck - let's talk some more about eyebrows. Specifically, the episode of Friends with Joey's mismatched eyebrows (The One Where Monica Sings, episode 9.13). That whole episode is hilarious, but I especially love this scene:

Joey:  Hey. I need your help.
Chandler:  Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?

Joey:  Okay, look. I'm getting new headshots taken, all right? So I went to get my eyebrows shaped ...
Chandler:  I'm sorry - moment to make fun of THAT, please.
Joey:  Maybe it's sissy, but I'll still pound you in the ground. Okay, it hurt so bad I could only let her do one eyebrow and now ... they don't match!

Chandler:  It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama.

Joey:  You've gotta help me out, okay? Look, I have a magic marker. I want you to fill in the skinny one so I don't look stupid for my pictures.
Chandler:  Okay, first of all? This is green.

Poor Joey. But then, Chandler painlessly plucked the second one to match:

Heh. Scott laughed so hard at that eyebrow scene that I thought he was going to blow out an eyeball. I love when he gets all tickled like that. Huh. It seems that this post did have a common thread, and that thread was an eyebrow. Maybe I'll be random later.

American Idol top 5 performance mpeg clips

UPDATE (June 21, 2005)
Files are back. :-)

UPDATE (May 19, 2005)
I removed the files, because I'm running out of bandwidth. :-) I'll put them back up around the beginning of June, when my bandwidth starts anew. :-) I could afford to host more files if y'all would refrain from ignoring my shameless begging section in yonder sidebar. :-)

Sorry this took so long this week - I had technical difficulties, mainly as a result of operator error. (More specificially, operator-stupidly-deleted-mpg-after-burning-DVD-before-making-clips-duh.) As usual, please right-click and "save as" - don't steal my precious bandwidth! And as usual, I left certain thuggish contestants out, like Scott who will remain nameless. But now, I won't have to leave him out anymore because he's gone, GONE! Boo-yah!

All video clips are somewhere between 14 and 17MB.

Bo Bice - Stand By Me & Heaven

Anthony Fedorov (you know, I've been mispelling his name as "Federov" all this time. Ooops.) - Poison Ivy (particularly unfortunate upon a second watching - ack) & Incomplete

Vonzell Solomon - Treat Me Nice & When You Tell Me That You Love Me

Carrie Underwood - Trouble & Bless the Broken Road

I haven't watched tonight's AI yet - I have to go outside and run my butt off first. But before I do that - I read a synopsis of tonight's House, which said that Cameron agreed to come back, if Dr. House went on a date with her? Huh? That is just creepy. But I haven't watched that yet, either. I hope it was a misleading teaser and that I can take back my "ick" and my "huh??" after I watch the whole episode.

ETA - Heeeeeeeeyyyyy! That was Some Devil by Dave Matthews at the end of House! This show is awesome. It's infectious diseases, it's sardonic-ly cute Dr. House, and it's DAVE. I love it.

I am a giant doofus, part II

I made some changes to my template on Friday, and since then, I noticed my traffic has taken a total nosedive - like, decreased five-fold. I finally figured out what's going on - I accidentally deleted the last few lines of my template, which included my Nedstat and my Sitemeter codes. Duh! I just thought nobody loved me anymore. :-( The only hits that were getting counted were the ones resulting from people visiting single-post pages from any day before May 6.

Anyway, now I feel better! But I still don't know where D.L. Hughley's eyebrows are. Don't say "above his eyes, stupid!" because I've already looked there. I've looked everywhere. I can't find them.

ETA that the Bonfire of the Vanities #97 is up. (That's another carnival, showcasing people's worst posts for the week. And if you go over there and hear something about a Sith cat peeing in my shoes, that's an OUTRAGEOUS LIE. I think it was just a regular cat. But that may be a lie too.)

Funny things taped to people's hats, that wouldn't be funny if they were wandering around separately.

Heh. At Washington State's graduation ceremony, some sequentially-seated students responded rather hilariously to commencement speaker Democrat Gov. Christine Gregoire. (She's the one who was elected thanks to all of the felons who voted illegally.)

HT: Michelle Malkin via John Bambenek

A cute thuggish poem, by request

I am very amused by search terms that bring people here. (I know this is a common topic, but bear with me anyway.) I noticed that I had a hit from someone searching for "cute thuggish love poems and quotes". So I thought, hey, maybe there's a niche for me. With apologies to Lord Byron (and with an addendum to make it "cute") - keep the party crackin' while I'm steady rappin'. Ahem.

She walks in beauty, like tha night
Of cloudless weatha you know das right!,
And all that's pimped-out dizzy n bright
Be hangin' all up n her eyes;
Da mellow'd T-H-to-tha-izzat pimp light
Whizzich Heaven be all posin' to the whacked-out day.

One shade tha more, one ray tha less,
Had got its hurt on tha nameless grace
They off da hook, da waves in every raven weave
An' they softly blingin' out o'er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
Oh snap! How dear they rhymin'!

And rollin' on ta her cheek n o'er her bidness
So soft, yet eloquent,
Smiles straight-trippin', feelin' my flow,
But chill while I rap of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace wit all below,
Lord Byron - yeah I had ta do dat, YO.

P.S. - Kittens.

Someone else searched "mannish girls stripping" and ended up here, of all places. Well, we will NOT be having any of that. Ack.

Yeeeeoow, says the seven-year-old

I decided to try Crest Whitestrips Premium Plus, even though I've always had fairly white teeth anyway. I noticed that they were New! Nuevo! and I was reeled right in, see.

The reason I mention it is - they hurt SO MUCH. Every couple of minutes, I feel like some evil, invisible physician is trying to do a brain biopsy through the tooth socket of my right canine. Owwwww. I usually don't have problems with sensitive teeth - has anybody else used these wee little flexible torture devices? If so, did you have an unauthorized appointment with my evil, invisible physician? I can take pain, I just like to whine about it.

In related news, I finally talked myself into trying the ridiculously expensive Kerastase shampoo and conditioner. It's not New! Nuevo! but it keeps getting recommended in magazines and it's supposed to make your hair healthy and keep it from falling out so much. I'm constantly pulling out my hair (not on purpose, it just falls out when I brush it) and I don't like leaving gross little hair tumbleweeds behind me everywhere I go.

And finally, I got my hair cut last week and my hair stylist made the unfortunate mistake of cutting my bangs while they were wet, and now I look like I'm seven. Not a very good look for me.

Jesus Christ has trouble with graven image

You know, I would be too afraid of being struck by lightning to try something like this:

Jesus Christ has trouble with graven image

Jesus Christ is hoping to move to West Virginia, but he’s having trouble getting a driver’s license.

The man is described as a white-haired businessman who’s been using that name for 15 years without a problem. He has a U.S. passport, Social Security card and Washington, D.C., driver’s license bearing the name Jesus Christ.

But he still falls short of West Virginia title and license requirements, since his Florida birth certificate bears his original name. Plus, the man born as Peter Robert Phillips Jr. still hasn’t gotten an official name change approved in Washington.

It makes sense that he would come here - our motto is "Almost Heaven", after all. Ha.

This reminds me of the unfortunate habit that some local parents have of naming their kids after famous people (or motorcycle companies.) So you have some poor kid who has to go through life with the name "Elvis Presley Adkins", "Harley Davidson Johnson", or "Jack Daniels Smith". I'm just kidding about that last one. Maybe.

She's not heavy, she's a runner!

Scott is such a problem-solver. We were talking about my medical school tuition, and how the dental school attended by a couple of our friends offers tuition waivers to the top two students in the class each year. Scott said, "It would be easy to be the top student in the class - you just have to get the highest grade on all of the tests." Oh, is THAT all? Okay. (But my medical school doesn't offer tuition waivers to the top students, as far as I know - so I don't have to worry about the incredibly easy feat of being the top student in the class.)

And the other night, we were discussing running - he and I used to run together when we were undergraduates, and I'm trying to get myself in shape so that we can run when he comes home. I don't want to make him run so slowly that his heart rate is approximately equivalent to his sleeping heart rate, you know? I'm not up to the distance that he's running, yet, and I was bemoaning that fact. He said, "If you want to run x number of miles, you just have to start running and then don't stop until you've finished x number of miles." Ohhhhhh! See, I didn't know that. I guess I was always distracted by the exploding lungs and the cramp in my Out of Shape Gland.

Scott has such confidence in me, though. He seems to think I can do anything. I love that.

Speaking of running, I used to run up to five miles a day (usually three, sometimes five) and then, I started having trouble with terrible headaches and shortly after that, Scott left for school, and everything just snowballed. Anyway, I gained weight. In January of 2002 I pulled myself together (actually, God pulled me together) and I started back to Weight Watchers and started my running program again, and I ended up with shin splints. I was complaining about them one day at work, and my boss said (I don't think I'll ever forget this exact quote), "Aren't you much too heavy to run?" Nice. It was such a defeating thing to say, that I still think of it when I'm having a particularly difficult run - in the back of my mind, I think, "Well, you're much too heavy to run anyway." And then I want to stop. What I probably should have done was challenged him to a run. :-)

Maribeth is funn-eeeee.

maribeth at The Smart Bohemian is new to my blogroll. The following is an example of why I added her - I just can't stop giggling. Thankfully, the first part of her prediction was wrong, but I hope she goes 1 for 2. Because the second part rocks.

Predictions: We will never get to see nearly-perfect Anthony sing Cheap Trick or A-Ha, because he will be deported tomorrow. We will also never get to see our future top two in From Bo to Carrie, even though test audiences loved the part when Bo was high and driving through Oklahoma in his beat-up van, and saw Carrie singing to her pet cow, and thought it would be funny to kidnap her and the cow, take them back to his bayou shack, and teach the cow to smoke pot.

Heeeeeee. Of course, she's funnier than me, which means I have to hate her. Oh well, it's just something that has to be done.

Yaaaaaay! Just say no to thuggery!

It's. About. Time. That is all.

Except that it isn't all, because I did rather enjoy Scott's celebratory ritual being greeted by Anthony's expression which said, "Huh uh, dude - he didn't say we were safe." Heh. That wily Seacrest - he switched it all up! Keeping us on our toes, you know.

And I didn't have to work today, so I didn't get a chance to use the fast connection there to upload the performance clips to my server. If I have to do it from home, it will be halfway through American Idol #72 before they finish uploading. I hate dialup, but it's all I can get. I'll do the uploading tomorrow. :-)

Christian Carnival & Tangled Bank

I decided to try something new and submitted posts to a couple of the blog carnivals this week, and two of the carnivals are up now. One of my submissions went to the Christian Carnival, whose host this week broke the submitted posts into categories: Walking in Faith, Theology, Debate and Discussion, Denominational Discussions, Politics, Education and Family Life, Culture, Tools and Technologies, Interviews, and Book Reviews. In a display of link love, I'll tell you which posts caught my attention enough to follow the link:

• Why I Like Television from Allthings2all
• Why do liberals hate Christian conservatives in politics? from Questions and Answers (not sure I would have used the word "hate" there, because it's a loaded word these days, but it's a good article anyway)
• Why I'm Anti-Abortion by Ragged Edges
• Are Christians Haters? from sprucegoose (well-written - I'll probably blogroll this guy after I read him for awhile)
• What is the Christian's Duty to the Poor? from Oh How I Love Jesus (I like discussion on this topic, because I always cringe when I hear people criticize President Bush for "not helping the poor" with his policy decisions, and then they smirk at his profession of Christianity. But God is very clear in Scripture on what government should be and what it shouldn't be - governments are in place to make and enforce laws, based on God's law, to ensure a just society. Governments are not put in place to take care of poor people - the church, Christians, are commanded to do that.)

I also made a submission to The Tangled Bank, which is a collection of posts pertaining to science and medicine, hosted here this week. Some interesting stuff there. Actually, I'll probably try to follow both of these carnivals around, looking for well-written posts and discovering new blogs.

American Idol Top 5

Ryan Seacrest has dipped his head into a different bottle between the fake theme-guessing segment (whenever that was) and last night's show. And isn't that judge-introducing segment a little unnecessary at this point? It only provides one more opportunity for Randy to go, "Yeeeeeeaaaaaa!", Paula to smile blankly, and Simon to wink at no one in particular. On to the contestants (of which I'll put performance mpegs up tomorrow):

1. Anthony Federov
   Poison Ivy by The Coasters
   Ahhhh, coasters. What I'd use Anthony's CDs for - hardy har har. And what Scott Savol may throw at that special lady in a fit of rage. Wait, Anthony is introducing his performance in a pre-taped video segment - let's listen. Hmm. To summarize his introduction, Anthony is fun, the song is fun, and his goofball self is going to have fun. But luckily, he sings slightly better than he chooses adjectives. I was more entertained by him this time than I have been in a couple of weeks, but nothing spectacular.
   Incomplete by The Backstreet Boys
   Yeah, he definitely does ballads better than he does peppy songs about delayed hypersensitivity reactions and Calamine lotion. And no offense to Randy, but a live individual performance isn't exactly comparable to a recorded, produced song by a group. Just saying.
   
2. Scott Savol
   On Broadway by George Benson
   Like I said, he reminds me of the person who annoys me more than anybody else that I personally know. (Incidentally, Carson Daly annoys me more than any person that I don't actually know.) And I cannot STAND that attitude of his - I despise an attitude of "entitlement", when people think that they are owed something by [insert person(s) or institution(s) here]. Just ugh.
   Something-Or-Other by Brian McKnight, and I'm not going to look up the title because Scott Savol's stupid face is making me too mad. Grrr!
   Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Oh, ugh. I would like him much better if he was somebody else, I think. His attitude makes me want to go all Elvis/Robert Goulet and shoot my TV.
   
3. Vonzell Solomon
   Treat Me Nice by Elvis
   Awww, she's a doll. She gave a good performance, on a song that's pretty meh. Even though I love Elvis, he did sing some pretty goofy songs. But he sang them so well that it didn't matter, as did she. And her earrings look like handcuffs.
   When You Tell Me That You Love Me by errr ... the AI4 Finalists? I think?
   I'm with Vonzell - I'd love to get my hair and makeup done and do a photo shoot. Of course, I'd prefer to be BEHIND the camera. Vonzell is so talented, and she's as cute as a bug, but I'm afraid she'll fall prey to the evil plan to torture me with Scott Savol every week, the Bo/Carrie phenomenon (see also "Sheep, People Are), and displaced tweens who drown their Constantine-less sorrow in Anthony. I hope I'm wrong though. I understand that whole "vote for the worst" plot, you know - somebody crappy ends up winning, ha ha that's funny, but why can't they switch their focus to Anthony? He and Scott are equal as far as the crap factor, but at least Anthony doesn't inspire me to assault high-dollar electronics.
   
4. Bo Bice
   Stand by Me by Ben E. King
   So this song is from the movie Stand by Me, of course - which I remember seeing when I was little and being really freaked out by the leech scene. Ewwww, leeches. I've heard that they're still used in surgery to mop up necrotic tissue - I wonder if that's true? If so, I don't know how they deal with the sterility factor, because you can't exactly throw a leech into an autoclave and then expect it to happily consume dead tissue an hour or so later. But you know what's great about that movie? Well, everything that isn't an annelid, but mainly KIEFER. Kie(EEEEEE!)fer. Aaaaand, Bo is finally finished singing. You know what I think my main problem is with Bo? I feel like the judges are shoving him down my throat - you know, analogous to the media and John Kerry. No matter what he does, it's lauded as being fabulous. Feh.
   Heaven by Los Lonely Boys
   This song is still on the Billboard charts? Anyway, I think it's a great song choice for him. But I'm distracted from the performance, because I have a strong urge to braid his jacket fringe.
   
5. Carrie Underwood
   Trouble by Elvis
   Okay, so that was good. Like Simon said, I'm sure her fans loved it. And there are probably a bunch of guys who want her to mother their children and so on and so forth, blah, yada yada blah.
   Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts
   This is such a beautiful song (although I much prefer Rascal Flatts's version - I love their harmony) and she sang it really well. Heh, Simon called her "robotic". Has he been reading about Carriebot at TWoP?

Scottmustgoscottmustgoscottmustgo!!!!!

Welcome back, Family(EEEEEEEEE!) Guy!

Speaking of funny (so I wasn't, oh well) Family Guy returned last night. Yaaaaaaaay! Of course they were edgy right out of the box (well, almost.) Add water, instant edgy. Or, add water, edgy in approximately 90 seconds. As usual, there were a couple of things in the episode that were a little over-the-top for me, but overall, it was classic Family Guy.

And what a great first scene:

Peter:  Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois:  Oh no, Peter, how could they do that?
Peter:  Well, unfortunately Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, the Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.
Lois:  Is there no hope?
Peter:  Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

Heh.

Oh, and look! I have the episode mpeg video uploaded, in three parts (the three parts between commercial breaks). This is really going to eat bandwidth, so I'll have to remove them after about ten downloads each. But I must share the hilarity! Oh, and if you know my friend Goldie, and I've already pulled the files, email me if you want them. :-)

Please right-click and "save as".
Part 1 (~64MB)
Part 2 (~88MB)
Part 3 (~61MB)

UPDATE (May 7, 2005) - Files removed! Unfortunately, I can't yet afford a hosting package with more bandwidth. :-)

Like I've mentioned a couple of times lately, I'm working on a memory book for my church's 100-year anniversary this year. At 7:30 this morning, I finally finished my part of it. Wheeeeeeee! I burned each page as a .png file to a CD, to be taken to the printer by Mom and our church secretary at 9AM this morning. I was so asleep when Mom left, I didn't make any sense at all when she was trying to ask me where the CD with the files on it was. She asked me for it, and I said, "Yeah, I burned both of them." She didn't know what I was talking about, and neither do I. Then she brought one to me that was by the computer and asked if it was the right one, and I told her to let me see it. Then I held it up to my eyeball and concluded it was the right one. I have no idea how my unconscious self could tell one unlabeled CD from another, but whatever. At least it's out of my hair and into the printers' now!

I did make another exciting discovery in my church history - in addition to Ian McKellan's twin, we also had J.C. Chavez the Elder:

Squeeee! It's too bad I wasn't alive in 1920, or he may have been able to give me backstage passes to an NSYNC concert. Dang.

And finally, part of the book was made up of writings from current and former members, just memories and such. I thought I'd share my addition - just because. Somebody may be interested in reading it.

While I didn't accept Christ until November 14, 1993, my search for God actually began in the spring of that year, when I and my 8th grade classmates lost a dear friend, Eddie, to a congenital heart defect. After he died, several of my friends began to seek God and one by one, they found Him and were saved and baptized. For me, the death of someone my age not only made me face my own mortality, but it also brought the realization that the comfort that my friends and I needed at a time of such sorrow was not to be found in this world. I knew that Eddie was a Christian, and I watched him face his terminal illness peacefully and even joyfully, knowing that he either way, he would emerge victorious on the other side. At the time, I didn't know such a peace. I wanted what my friend had.

In November of 1993, I went to [another church in our Association] on Sunday morning because two friends were to be baptized after Sunday School and several of my friends and I wanted to be there with them. I remember during the Sunday School lesson that morning, we were talking about Christ's crucifixion and suffering, and one thing really struck me - He suffered and died out of love, even for the very people who mocked Him, rejected Him, and at whose hands He died. Being a high school student and facing cliques and drama and snide remarks daily, I couldn't imagine such a love, such a sacrifice. And that love and sacrifice was within my reach, I only had to accept it.

After the pastor preached his sermon and gave the invitation for anyone who wanted to come to the altar and meet Christ there, I couldn't move fast enough. I have always been shy, though, and that aisle looked so long from my place on the back row, so I took my Christian friend Kellena with me. When I knelt at the altar and the pastor prayed with me, I couldn't stop crying. Through Christ's love and sacrifice, I had a home in Heaven, a promise that He would never leave me, and my eternal soul was no longer in danger of being lost. Not ever. I just wish that I hadn't waited as long as I did.

I started attending [my church] right after that, spending Saturday nights at Kellena's house and going to church with she and her mother and brother on Sunday mornings. I hope Kellena and her mom know how thankful I am that they brought me to such a wonderful little church, where I have always felt at home, and where the Holy Spirit can always be felt during our services - in the midst of a Heaven-sent sermon, a beautiful song, a thought-provoking Sunday morning Bible discussion, or a tearful testimony.

Some of my fondest memories are in the senior high Sunday School class, which at one point grew to be so large that we had to switch classrooms. I rarely see the other members of my class anymore, and I pray that they have found their place in another church, because life apart from Christ is no life at all. But my favorite memory from [my church] was the night that four years of fervent prayers were answered, and my parents were saved. I pray that the rest of my extended family follows before it's too late - my heart breaks for them and I can’t bear the idea that they should be lost, never knowing the sweet peace of redemption that is a permanent fixture in my heart, unmovable despite life's storms.