Random statements about Jack Bauer - which are funnier than the Chuck Norris statements. Yep.

A couple of months ago I found a list of random Chuck Norris statements, but now, I've come across a similar list of Jack Bauer statements, which are better. Obviously. And I should be studying, but I wanted to post these, if for no other reason than to make Ryan cry. :-)

• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
• Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
• If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". (ha)
• Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
• Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
• When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
• If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
• Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
• It's no use crying over spilt milk ... unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh, you are so screwed.
• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
• When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
• If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef ... then it's beef.
• Let's get one thing straight - the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
• Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
• Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
• On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.
• Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
• If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
• If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
• Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
• Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
• Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
• If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
• When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
• Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
• When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
• Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something, then you better do it.
• When President Palmer started doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
• Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
• Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
• When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
• It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
• In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
• If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
• Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
• Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
• When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
• Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
• There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who have never met Jack Bauer.
• Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with "Black Power".
• You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
• When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
• Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
• Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
• Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
• What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
• In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
• If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. (BURN!)
• There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
• There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way, but faster with more deaths.
• In poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.

I would tell you where I found the link to the list, but then I'd have to kill you. That's all.