A serious and personal-ish post - I just need to vent

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I am a longtime anxiety and panic sufferer. When I was in high school, my pediatrician (a sweet and caring man - if I make it through medical school (and that's a big IF) he's someone that I aspire to be like) prescribed an antidepressant and a benzodiazepine (Ativan / lorazepam) when I was 16 and sat in his office, shaking and crying and panicking about the future, college, everything.

And it really helped. And I went to college with relatively few problems, except for a random anxiety/panic flareup once in awhile.

But in January 2002, I wanted off of the benzo. I tried to wean myself off of it, and I couldn't. So I went to a doctor who specializes in that type of detox, and he told me that outpatient detoxes are almost never effective because you're your own pharmacist, doctor, nurse, etc. I was scared to death, but I did 6 days of inpatient detox, and left on the 7th day with the medication's hold on me broken, feeling awake, alive, and NOT ANXIOUS.

Fast forward to the summer of 2005. I was looking forward to medical school, even looking forward to getting an apartment, and totally shocking myself by not having some sort of breakdown about the upcoming changes and scary things. Then, the evil dog killed my Cinders. I spent a couple of weeks being unbelieveably sad, which turned to panic and anxiety, and I was back to my old self - the suffering and nervous self - again. I got to the point where I paced day and night, couldn't eat or sleep, and was basically catatonic except for frequent crying fits. I went to my doctor (my internist) and he rightfully observed that we had to get me out of the vegetative state I was in so that I could start school. He suggested the lorazepam again, and I told him I didn't want to get into that again, since I'd spent a few good years without it. But I ended up with it anyway.

So, since then, I've taken 2 milligrams 4x daily, and I have to deal with annoying side effects like sedation, memory lapses (NOT good if you're a medical student) and of course, the dependence on the stupid stuff.

I had planned to spend the five weeks that we have between our 2nd and 3rd year getting off of the medication, so that I could start my clinical rounds fresh, alert, and feeling as alive and awake as I did before. But yesterday, I found out that our clerkships have been moved up to July 5th, which means we only have two weeks off between taking USMLE Step One and starting rotations.

I was so disappointed that it made me cry. Two weeks is not enough time. But then, I remembered that the inpatient detox was only one week. And I desperately want off of this stuff. So I decided that's what I'd do with one of my two weeks off in the summer. But Mom told me, "You don't want to do it that way. Just wean yourself off of it."

Well, that made me cry too. I don't want to spend weeks as an emotionally fragile mess with physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms - plus, I've never been able to wean myself before, and I have a high probability of failure. I am just so sad. I would take next week off from school and check myself into the hospital IMMEDIATELY if I thought I wouldn't get too far behind. I would pay for it myself. No one has to visit me. I just feel like I'm locked in a vehicle, with foggy windows, and that's how I have to see the world. I can go to a lecture and not remember a thing from it that evening. I can study a handout one day and the next day, the words are completely foreign. It's totally the work of the Lord that I've made it through medical school this far. I am tired of living as a prisoner of this brain fog, of this emotional disorder. I feel like I'm all alone and no one can hear me screaming.

I see no good way out of this. Sometimes I wish I'd get hit by a bus. I won't take my own life but more and more, I've grown quite tired of living in this hell of substance dependence, anxiety and panic, and unbearable sadness. I'm starting to think I'm not going to make it. Am I too old to cry for help?