Too bad he's also a fictional concept

Dr. House just called global warming AND evolution fictional concepts. Oh, how I love him.

In other news, I'm finished with my tests - yee haw. I do feel guilty, though, that the rest of my class has another crappy night of studying tonight (the micro exam is tomorrow - I've already had that class.) I feel like I should unnecessarily study something - we should all suffer together and all of that. You know.

Last night, while I was studying immunology and not studying psychopathology (which will probably show up when I get my scores back) I felt so dizzy and weak, with difficulty concentrating, and palpitations, and I took my own blood pressure and it was low - so I diagnosed myself with liver failure and thought that I was going to die, right there on my bed, clutching some papers peppered with highlights, asterisks and big words.

Stress can do funny things.

P.S. - I didn't die.

Hugh LauriEEEEeeeeeee!

Hugh Laurie is hosting SNL tonight. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. He's so good at comedy and is wonderfully witty (see: Blackadder and A Bit of Fry & Laurie, and of course, House MD.) So this should be entertaining. If, obviously, they keep him far far away from the perpetually non-funny Fred Armisen. Blech. Fred Armisen.

Air America is Bankrupt. Liberal Larry is Funny.

Oh man, I love "Liberal Larry" so much. When Air America filed for bankruptcy, he had this to say:

Air America was a vital educational resource, so it should have been completely taxpayer-funded instead of forced to compete for listeners on the open market. Once again, the GOP has used capitalism to silence the lone liberal voice in the conservative-dominated radio wilderness. Now all we progressives have left to counter the Right-Wing Noise Machine is ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, TBS, NPR, CNN, BBC, HBO, HSN, MTV, VH1, Showtime, The Abortion Channel, Gore TV, Reuters, The Associated Press, Time Magazine, Newsweek, The New Republic, the Nation, The New Yorker, TV Guide, People Magazine, Teen People, Us Magazine, Entertainment Weekly, Rolling Stone, Oprah Magazine, Ladies Home Journal, Woman’s Day, The Advocate, Esquire, Vogue, Cosmopolitian, Humpty Dumpty, Architectural Digest, Cat Fancy, Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Swank, the Harvard Perspective, High Times, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, The Seattle Times, The Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Seattle Weekly, The Boston Globe, The Village Voice, The San Francisco Chronicle, The San Francisco Examiner, USA Today, The Washington Post, Atlanta Journal Constitution, Arizona Daily Star, The Anniston Star, The Decatur Daily, Montgomery Advertiser, The Tuscaloosa News, Anchorage Daily News Arkansas Time, Tuscon Daily Star, The Alameda Times-Star, Contra Costa Times, The Los Angeles Daily News, The Fresno Bee, Marin Independent Journal, Merced Sun-Star, The Modesto Bee, The Monterey County Herald, The Oakland Tribune, La Opinion, The Santa Rose Press Democrat, The Sacramento Bee, San Jose Mercury News, San Mateo County Times, Santa Cruz Sentinel, The Valejo Times-Herald, The Eureka Times Standard, The Ventura County Star, Aspen Daily News, The Boulder Daily Camera, Durango Herald, Fort Collins Coloradoan, Greeley Daily Tribune, The Stamford Advocate, The Wilmington News Journal, Bradenton Herald, Daytona Beach News-Journal, Florida Today, The Gainesville Sun, The Miami Herald, Orlando Sentinel, The Palm Beach Post, St Petersburg Times, Sarasota Herald-Tribune, South Florida Sun-Sentinel, Treasure Coast News/Press-Tribune, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The Macon Telegraph, The Honolulu Advertiser, Honolulu Star-Bulletin, Bonner County Daily Bee, The Idaho Statesman, Chicago Defender, Chicago Sun-Times, Edwardsville Intelligencer, Rockford Register, Lafayatte Journal and Courier, The Des Moines Register, Iowa City Press-Citizen, Quad City Times, The Storm Lake Tribune, The Hutchinson News, Lexington Herald-Leader, The Louisville Courier-Journal, Teen Lexington Herald-Leader, Owensboro Messenger-Inquirer, The Shreveport Times, Bangor Daily News, the Kennebec Journal, Portland Press Herald, The Baltimore Sun, The Berkshire Eagle, The Framingham MetroWest Daily News, Milford Daily News. The Springfield Republican, The New Bedford Standard-Times, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, The Argus-Press, The Bay City Times, The Battle Creek Enquirer, the Detroit Free Press, The Flint Journal, the Lansing State Journal, Livingston County Daily Press & Argus, The Muskegon Chronicle, Parasites Weekly, Petoskey News-Review, The Saginaw News, the Port Huron Times Herald, Traverse City Record-Eagle, Duluth News Tribune, The Mankato Free Press, St. Cloud Times, the Columbia Daily Tribune, The Kansas City Star, St. Louis American, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Springfield News-Leader, Billings Gazette, Las Vegas Mercury, the Las Vegas Sun, the Las Vegas Review-Journal, the Nevada Appeal, the Reno Gazette-Journal, the Concord Monitor, The Keene Sentinel, the Portsmouth Herald, The Nashua Telegraph, the Lebanon-Hanover Valley News, The Bergen Record, the Burlington County Times, the Bridgewater Courier News, the Camden Courier-Post, The Vineland Daily Journal, the Parsippany Daily Record, The Jersey Journal, The Gloucester County Times, The Hackensack Record, the Newark Star-Ledger The Trenton Times, the Albuquerque Tribune, The Santa Fe New Mexican, The Buffalo News: "News for Discerning Buffalo", the Oneonta Daily Star, The Ithaca Journal, The White Plains Journal-News, The Corning Leader, Newsday, The Glen Falls Post-Star, the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle, the Elmira Star-Gazette, the Staten Island Advance, the Albany Times-Union, Willie the Wino’s Grand Central Station Restroom Scribblings, the Asheville Citizen Times, The Charlotte Observer, the Elizabeth City Daily Advance, The Greenville Daily Reflector, The Raleigh News & Observer, the Greensboro News & Record, The Southern Pines Pilot, the Wilimgton Star-News, The Bismarck Tribune, the Grand Forks Herald, the Akron Beacon Journal, The Toledo Blade, the Dayton Daily News, the Zanesville Times Recorder, The Daily Astorian, the East Oregonian, the Medford Mail Tribune, the Portland Oregonian, The Eugene Register-Guard, the Salem Statesman Journal, The Coos Bay World, The Beaver County Times, The Bucks County Courier Times, the Wilkes-Barre Citizen's Voice, The Doylestown Intelligencer, the Uniontown Herald-Standard, The Allentown Morning Call, the Washington Observer-Reporter, The Philadelphia Daily News, The Philadelphia Inquirer, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, the Wilkes-Barre Times Leader, the Anderson Independent-Mail, The Myrtle Beach Sun News, The Memphis Commercial-Appeal, The Jackson Sun, Nashville Scene, The Tennessean, The Berkeley Daily Planet, Berkeley Voice, The Berkeleyan, ¡Berkemundo!, The Baytown Sun (11,374), the Corpus Christi Caller-Times, the Lone Star Iconoclast, the Longview News-Journal, The Lufkin Daily News, the Waco Tribune-Herald, the Bennington Banner, the Brattleboro Reformer, The Burlington Free Press, the Rutland Herald, The Barre-Montpelier Times Argus, the Newport Daily Press, The Roanoke Times, The Virginian-Pilot, The Everett, The Olympian, The Tacoma News Tribune, The Bremerton Sun, the Tri-City Herald, the Walla Walla Union-Bulletin, the Boston Phoenix, the Charleston Gazette, the Huntington Herald-Dispatch, Howard Stern, the Madison Capital Times, The Green Bay News-Chronicle, the Racine Journal Times, the Kenosha News, the La Crosse Tribune, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, The Sheboygan Press, The Wausau Daily Herald, The Guardian, The Independent, the Paris Daily Snivel, Der Spiegel, Democracy Now. The Huffington Post, The Progressive Review, Alternet, Dissident Voice, AntiWar.com, Common Dreams, Truthout.org, MoveOn.org, TomPaine.com, Counterpunch, The People’s Kool-Aid, BlameBush!, Mother Jones, High Times, The Progressive, New Internationalist, Multinational Monitor, Covert Action Quarterly, The American Prospect, Dollars and Sense, The Progressive Populist, The Weekly Standard, New Left Review, Pacifica Radio, Progressive Mind, Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting, YouTube, Marvel Comics, The Weekly World News, Indymedia, DailyKos, Wonkette, DemocraticUnderground, The Prairie Home Companion, Coast to Coast with George Noory, Pravda, Granma, and Al Jazeera.

So much for that right-wing myth about the "liberal media!"

Bwahahahahahaaaaaa. He's a freaking genius. My favorite one is Willie the Wino’s Grand Central Station Restroom Scribblings. I read it religiously. And you know what, guys? I was so tempted to alphabetize that entire list. But I DID NOT. See? I'm getting better.

Madonna's fake British accent (which, oddly, came and went during her interview on Oprah) is annoying.

The Dixie Chicks were even more annoying.

And in conclusion, mean people suck. That is all.

2008 Democratic National Convention

Via an email from Dad - and as he says, "Not meant to offend." It's just funny.

• 7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
• 7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
• 7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
• 7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
• 8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
• 8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding - Barney Frank, presiding.
• 8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan & Susan Sarandon.
• 9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender - French President Jacques Chirac
• 9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
• 9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn.
• 9:40 P.M. Why I Hate the Military - a short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
• 9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award by Michael Moore.
• 9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers - Howard Dean.
• 10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad.
• 11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents the Internet.
• 11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry.
• 11:30 P.M. Coronation of Mrs. Rodham Clinton.
• 12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

Trolls, stay under your bridge. Please.

Calling all medical students that are more intelligent than me (i.e., calling ALL medical students)

I sent this exact message to my class, because I'm too lazy to type the message twice. Yes I am.

Okay y'all - I was just wondering if anybody has some sort of magical trick for memorizing the 1,000,432 types of leukemia/lymphoma; or if anyone has perhaps fashioned a helpful chart or some such thing, because I am trying to stuff the information into my giant head, and it just won't go. It just. Won't. Go.

Please send all magic my way. I'd appreciate it. I'm even willing to chant and dance around if necessary.

Stupidface hematology.

*kicks hematology*

Translation for my British readers ...

Stupidface haematology.

*kicks haematology*

I'm done.

For once, I'm ahead of the game.

I get a nifty little email newsletter from Medscape for medical students (from WebMD) and there was a particularly interesting article in it last week that I'm just getting around to writing about. Here's an excerpt:

Why Medical Students Should Have Their Own Blogs - by Nicholas Genes, MD, PhD (very cool name for a doc, by the way)

All across the country this fall, thousands of students are starting medical school or new clerkships. Some are kids fresh out of college, while others are embarking on a second career they've always dreamed about. Still, this diverse group shares some common features:

• They're going to be isolated from the life they knew before; maybe they've moved to a new city, or maybe they won't get to call or see family and loved ones as often as they used to.
• They are going to experience some powerful things, such as cutting into flesh, delivering a baby, breaking devastating news, or staying awake for ungodly periods of time.

In short, this is a group that should be communicating a lot with others -- stories, perceptions, rants -- at precisely the time when such communication is most difficult.

The solution? I think they all ought to get a blog.

You know -- a Web-log, an online diary. Now, I'm not talking about those vapid MySpace pages full of classroom gossip and party pictures (although medical school provides its share of that, too). But I think the students who sit down for 20 minutes every now and then to record their impressions of the wondrous, challenging experiences they're grappling with will be doing themselves a favor. Frustrated friends and family who haven't heard from their beleaguered med school castaway will take a measure of relief in seeing an updated blog entry, even if it's a gripe about exams written at 3 AM.

But perhaps even more important is that medical student blogs are useful for students themselves. It's therapeutic to record your feelings, to vent frustrations, and to register difficult experiences. This is the kind of activity that makes for a sensitive and caring doctor -- probably the kind of doctor that most beginning students expect to be but forget about somewhere along the line. Blogging can help students remember. It's also instructive because it allows us to chart our progress through the years. On those bleak days of surgery clerkship, it may be encouraging to look back and see how far you've come since the first squeamish posts about anatomy lab.

Read the whole thing. You can use this login, from bugmenot:

User: ineedanap
PW: pronto

Having a blog throughout medical school has been therapeutic for me, in a way. And it's fun to go back and read old posts to see how far I've come - I apologize if this sounds selfish, but the main reason that I have a blog is for me ... to remember. (Although I do love the traffic, too!)

Why do people hate their children?

Sports fan names newborn son ESPN

I predict that this kid is going to run away from home as soon as he's old enough to figure out what his name is. These three kids too:

Three others were cited in a 2005 report on tivocommunity.com about the network's 25th anniversary. They are Espn Malachi McCall in Pampa, Texas; Espn Curiel in Corpus Christi, Texas; and Espn Blondeel in Michigan.

And also, what's with the stupid mother who is letting her husband name their child after a television network? I'll bet she's hoping for a girl next, which she will name "Lifetime: Television For Women Jones" or something else completely stupid. Grief!

Random Quiz from MySpace - posted here, just because I want to.

1. Where did you take your MySpace default picture?
   At a Christian Medical Association cookout.
2. What exactly are you wearing right now?
   Gray sweatpants and a Christian T-shirt
3. What is your current problem?
   I don't study enough - also, I can't turn my head at the moment. Darn cervical vertebrae!
4. What makes you most happy?
   Scott, my family, and naps - and also, how freaking awesome my life is. The Lord has given me everything. Everything.
5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
   Still Frame by Trapt. But I'm also watching Seinfeld.
6. Any celeb / famous person you would marry?
   Not unless Scott fulfills his dream of becoming a professional hunter!
7. Name someone with the same birthday as you...
   Mao Tse-tung (eek), Phil Spector and his wall of hair, and my friend Greta's brother-in-law. I missed Val Kilmer by 5 days. Dang.
8. Ever sang in front of a large audience?
   Not without at least one other person with me. It's my own type of community service - I don't sing alone in public.
9. Do you still watch kiddie movies or kiddie TV shows?
   When I have time to watch things, sure.
10. Do you speak any other languages?
    Uh ... Pig Latin? Medical jargon? Not exactly - but I can read and write some Spanish.
11. Has anyone you've been close with passed away?
    Of course, sadly.
12. Do you ever watch MTV?
    Not for awhile - I actually prefer VH1 and their endless countdowns. Does that mean I'm old?
13. What's something that really annoys you?
    Slow drivers, and when people are rude to me for absolutely no reason.
14. Nick names:
    Er - I don't think I have one. Anybody wanna give me one?
15. Current Location?
    Home (HOME home, not the apartment)
16. Eye color:
    Brown
17. Do you live with your parent(s):
    I have an apartment, but I still consider my parents' house home.
18. Do you get along with your parent(s):
    Absolutely - I don't know where I'd be without them
19. Do you have any siblings?
    Not officially, but Jonathan and Susan are cousins that are like my brother and sister
20. Favorite Ice Cream
    Gold Medal Ribbon from Baskin Robbins, or Moose Tracks
21. Favorite Season
    Fall or spring
22. Favorite Shampoo/Conditioner
    All Soft from Redken
23. Do you dance in the shower
    Not usually - but I sing sometimes
24. Do you write on your hand?
    Not until medical school - now I can't remember the simplest day to day things. I write my own name on my hand every morning. Just kidding.
25. Do you call people back?
    Not as much as I should
26. Do you believe in love?
    Definitely - something has kept Scott from kicking me to the curb after all of these years! (It's also why I continually notice things about him that I think are wonderful.)
27. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
    Usually the right side, or wherever the eeeeevil alarm clock is. I'd never hear it if it was on the other side.
28. Any bad habits?
    Too much worry over nothing, too much guilt over nothing, too much procrastination, and I care too much about what people think of me. I also drive too fast. Don't tell my mom.
29. Have you broken a bone?
    Not yet
30. Have you sprained stuff?
    Sure, cheerleading in high school
31. Have you had physical therapy?
    Nope
32. Have you gotten stitches?
    Four black ones, in between my front teeth, when I had oral surgery in 11th grade. It was hideous.
33. Have you taken painkillers?
    I have hereditary pancreatitis, meaning my pancreas digests itself whenever it takes a notion. So - YES. Good ones, too.
34. Have you gone scuba diving or snorkeling?
    No, but I'd like to
35. Have you been stung by a bee?
    Who hasn't?
36. Have you thrown up at the dentist?
    Huh?? No, no I haven't.
37. Have you sworn in front of your parents?
    Don't swear in front of anybody - I can come up with more creative adjectives
38. Have you been called a ho?
    Don't think so - if someone called me that, it would be so blatantly wrong!
39. Who/What was the last:
    Movie(s) you saw - Jackass Number Two (HILARIOUS, by the way)
    Person to IM you - Mia, I think. Or maybe Chris. It's been awhile.
    Person to call you - Mom
    Thing you thought deeply about? - Whether or not I'll be a terrible doctor and kill lots of people.
    Thing you touched - keyboard, duh
    Thing you drank - Aquafina
    Thing you said - "That was good peach cobbler."
40. How do you want to die?
    I don't. I want to be alive when the Lord returns for His church, because that will be AWESOME.
41. Where do you want to live?
    Here, forever. It makes no sense to me to be nurtured and raised in this community, receiving support from them, and then go somewhere else and use my medical training to ease the suffering of strangers. This is where my family is, this has always been home and I want it to always be home.
42. Do you love your number 1?
    My who in the what now?
43. Do you believe love at first sight?
    Not really
44. Do you kiss on the first date?
    It's been so long since I've had a "first date" that I don't remember! But I didn't kiss on that first date. :-) Or any other first date, for that matter - I've only kissed three guys, actually, including Scott. So, no.
45. Do you like kissing?
    Of course. :-)

So there you go. Everything you wanted to know about me and more. Anything else anyone wants to know?

A serious and personal-ish post - I just need to vent

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I am a longtime anxiety and panic sufferer. When I was in high school, my pediatrician (a sweet and caring man - if I make it through medical school (and that's a big IF) he's someone that I aspire to be like) prescribed an antidepressant and a benzodiazepine (Ativan / lorazepam) when I was 16 and sat in his office, shaking and crying and panicking about the future, college, everything.

And it really helped. And I went to college with relatively few problems, except for a random anxiety/panic flareup once in awhile.

But in January 2002, I wanted off of the benzo. I tried to wean myself off of it, and I couldn't. So I went to a doctor who specializes in that type of detox, and he told me that outpatient detoxes are almost never effective because you're your own pharmacist, doctor, nurse, etc. I was scared to death, but I did 6 days of inpatient detox, and left on the 7th day with the medication's hold on me broken, feeling awake, alive, and NOT ANXIOUS.

Fast forward to the summer of 2005. I was looking forward to medical school, even looking forward to getting an apartment, and totally shocking myself by not having some sort of breakdown about the upcoming changes and scary things. Then, the evil dog killed my Cinders. I spent a couple of weeks being unbelieveably sad, which turned to panic and anxiety, and I was back to my old self - the suffering and nervous self - again. I got to the point where I paced day and night, couldn't eat or sleep, and was basically catatonic except for frequent crying fits. I went to my doctor (my internist) and he rightfully observed that we had to get me out of the vegetative state I was in so that I could start school. He suggested the lorazepam again, and I told him I didn't want to get into that again, since I'd spent a few good years without it. But I ended up with it anyway.

So, since then, I've taken 2 milligrams 4x daily, and I have to deal with annoying side effects like sedation, memory lapses (NOT good if you're a medical student) and of course, the dependence on the stupid stuff.

I had planned to spend the five weeks that we have between our 2nd and 3rd year getting off of the medication, so that I could start my clinical rounds fresh, alert, and feeling as alive and awake as I did before. But yesterday, I found out that our clerkships have been moved up to July 5th, which means we only have two weeks off between taking USMLE Step One and starting rotations.

I was so disappointed that it made me cry. Two weeks is not enough time. But then, I remembered that the inpatient detox was only one week. And I desperately want off of this stuff. So I decided that's what I'd do with one of my two weeks off in the summer. But Mom told me, "You don't want to do it that way. Just wean yourself off of it."

Well, that made me cry too. I don't want to spend weeks as an emotionally fragile mess with physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms - plus, I've never been able to wean myself before, and I have a high probability of failure. I am just so sad. I would take next week off from school and check myself into the hospital IMMEDIATELY if I thought I wouldn't get too far behind. I would pay for it myself. No one has to visit me. I just feel like I'm locked in a vehicle, with foggy windows, and that's how I have to see the world. I can go to a lecture and not remember a thing from it that evening. I can study a handout one day and the next day, the words are completely foreign. It's totally the work of the Lord that I've made it through medical school this far. I am tired of living as a prisoner of this brain fog, of this emotional disorder. I feel like I'm all alone and no one can hear me screaming.

I see no good way out of this. Sometimes I wish I'd get hit by a bus. I won't take my own life but more and more, I've grown quite tired of living in this hell of substance dependence, anxiety and panic, and unbearable sadness. I'm starting to think I'm not going to make it. Am I too old to cry for help?

Things I learned today

I only had one class this morning and I learned three things:

1. Members of the genus Hymenoptera are not movie critics. Their brains are too small.
2. The IQ of a tick is approximately 0.6.
3. That I probably should have known what crepuscular meant. But I didn't. I do now, though. But I will forget again in approximately 4 minutes.

This afternoon, I saw a few patients to practice taking a history and doing the physical exam. One patient was a feisty lady who had had weight-loss surgery and was down about 120 pounds. When I got to the part in the history about breast lumps, she said, "Noooooo, honey - when you lose weight and you get older, you don't have those anymore. But I do still have the bags they came in." Haaaaaaa.

Another thing - when I leave one of those clinical experiences that we have, I always have some variant of the thought, "I am going to love being a doctor." A reassuring thought, that. On the other hand - I do not love being a medical student.

On Monday in my Patient Care class, we're reviewing female genitalia by playing 10,000 Pyramid. It's 10,000 Pyramid: The Very Special All Female Genitalia Edition. I think that's weird. But maybe it's just me.

In other news, my exams are over. Woo-freaking-hoo.

Crazy Clay Aiken fans skeere me. I mean, look at this, from Gilded Moose - these people have to realize that they're insane, or maybe they're just happily oblivious.

I admit that I'm a fan of Clay Aiken, but I'm not crazy. Well, I am crazy, just for other reasons. And I'd never write about my ovaries with puff-paint on a T-shirt. By the way, shaking ovaries must indicate a serious medical condition. I haven't had female reproductive pathology yet, but it certainly doesn't sound normal. None of it does, actually.