I may be climbing out of my pit

It's been a rough couple of months, y'all. I can barely talk about it without crying, because it was just so full of disappointment and sadness and pain, and it was like I was someone else entirely that I didn't even recognize nor did I like very much at all. (I do have horrible self-esteem and can't find much at all that's good about myself - except for Christ in my heart, of course, but that's Him, not me - but over the past couple of months, I *really* despised myself.) I'm sorry the posts have been so sparse lately, and I'm sorry that when I did post, that it was all about doctors and so on and so forth. Interestingly, my traffic has gone up quite a bit over the past 2 months. Figure that.

Anyway, I hope you, dear readers (I first typed "deer readers" - heh. Scott would be proud - that's what's on his mind at this time of year, too) don't have the idea that I'm some sort of drug-seeking pill-head. Instead, I'm a chronic pain patient struggling to learn to be a doctor, a good one - working 70-80 hour weeks in addition to trying to study in between, and also trying to spend time with my Scott, my family and friends, and some MUCH needed time at the Y. Oh, and sleeping, sometimes. It's hard to do that when it feels like someone is stabbing you in the gut, and pulling the knife around to your back. And then when you go to your doctor or to the ED for help, they instead berate you and you end up sobbing because of their jaded lack of compassion, it's discouraging.

Being in severe pain all the time, all the while being expected to perform in a superhuman manner (and getting bad evaluations when you don't - more on that later) and having more doors slammed in your face - it made me feel more hopeless and sad than I have felt in a long time. I didn't know if I was ever going to get help, or if this pain was going to become a part of my daily life. A Google search found a lot of information on depression resulting from chronic pain. I don't know what the answer is, fellow members of the healthcare system, but we have an underserved population of people here. I don't know how we weed out the true sufferers from the addicts and the dealers. But something needs to be done. And the way I heard other providers refer to patients requiring pain medication was less than encouraging.

I am doing all of the "alternative" stuff that the Interwebz recommends for pancreatitis - an antioxidant blend (the one I take is by Nature Made, with Vitamin A, 100% as Beta-Carotene - 10,000 IU, 200% RDA; Vitamin C: 250 mg, 417% RDA; Vitamin E: 200 IU, 667% RDA; Zinc: 7.5 mg, 50% RDA; Selenium: 15 mcg, 21% RDA; Copper: 1 mg, 50% RDA; Manganese: 1.5 mg, 75% RDA), and I'm also taking an additional selenium supplement, my trusty enzymes (amylase and lipase, aka Creon 10), and a couple of doses of Advil a day for anti-inflammatory properties.

I'm still hurting, though - I do have a new pain doc, and I'll talk about him later - I think I'm going to like him. He and his office staff are already a billion times kinder than the other Pain Clinic Which Shall Not Be Named.

I just didn't want you guys to think that I was an addict who was obsessed with getting my fix. Is that what you think? What DO you think? Let's have it, I can take it. It's why I have comments on my blog - I want to know what people think about what I write, and I appreciate and consider them all. Except the trolls, of course, which I just kick back under the bridge; and the potty-mouths, who I edit and *then* consider. :-)