Michael Jackson dies at 50 - RIP

My local news is reporting that Michael Jackson has died after suffering cardiac arrest this evening. Despite the controversy later in his life, I always thought that he was absolutely a musical genius - probably in the top few of all time. He was a trailblazer - ahead of his time - and was one of the most fantastic performers I have ever seen. Maybe it was because I grew up to a soundtrack that included a lot of his music (and lost sleep when I was little due to the Thriller video) but everything that has happened surrounding him in recent years made me sad, in a strange way. (Disclaimer: Not that I condone messing around with kids, if he was guilty.) And the news of his passing leaves me with that unusual heavy heart that I always feel when a celebrity dies who had been in the pop culture cloud surrounding my life for many years. I can't judge anyone's heart and don't know where he stood with the Lord, but I do hope he sought forgiveness in Christ before it was too late, and that he is at peace now.

American Idol and such

Disclaimer: I'd appreciate it if everyone would refrain from bashing me a la Carrie Prejean (Miss California). This is my blog, my opinions - if you don't like it, don't read it. That is all.

So, I think that Adam Lambert will be okay (and by that I mean that he'll have labels knocking down his door) whether he comes in 1st, 2nd, or 12th. On the other hand, Kris Allen needs to win in order to end up with a good debut album - so I'm going to have to watch the finale with Team Allen tonight. Although I'll be surprised if it isn't Adam Lambert who sings the Idol Cheeseball Coronation ballad at the end of the show, eyeliner-flecked tears being wiped away by black polish-tipped fingers. Not that he doesn't deserve it - dude has an awesome voice, and he did very well last night. I think, though, that the voice is only part of his "Google popularity", discussed in this article: American Idol Winner: Can Google Predict the Results? (from mashable.com). Some of the Googlers may have been looking for those infamous pictures of Adam kissing other fellas. Personally, I would prefer to see Kris win - he has the talent, and he seems to be a nice guy, with morals and values that mesh well with my own - and he has a cute family, too.

There was an article published within the past week or so - in Time, I think, and after spending about 10 minutes trying to find it so I could link it, I decided y'all could live without a link. Anyway, the article discussed the Christian element in the Idol voting process, particularly this year, when we have a married Christian who is active in his Arkansas church versus a flamboyant, black/blue/purple haired (lighting dependent), guyliner & nail polish wearing, poured-into-his-leather-pants contestant from the liberalist of the liberal Los Angeles, California.

There are a lot of things about this season that remind me of Idol's season 2 (which I'll admit, with a modicum of embarrassment, as being my most-studied season by a mile - and I know way too much random trivia about it. Shut up.) First of all, we have the Rubenesque (by that I mean "large" as well as "as it was with Ruben Studdard") tongue-bath that the judges give Adam each week (I remember reading Television Without Pity faithfully during that season, when the fantastic recapper Shack would sum up Ruben's critique something like this: "RANDY: Vote for Ruben! IRRELEVANT GUEST JUDGE: Vote for Ruben! PAULA: Vote for Ruben! SIMON: Vote for Ruben!") Which was funny, because, you know, it was true. And apparently America followed like sheep, because Ruben obviously won that season* (where is Ruben, anyway?) while Clay Aiken, the effeminate coverboy for Lisa Simpson's Non-Threatening Boys magazine, had to settle for second. The judges constant instructions to vote for Ruben played a role in his win, but there was another big reason, as I know from living through that season as a ridiculously huge, and ridiculously obvious, Clay Aiken fan [what do you want from me? His voice is flawless, he's a fantastic performer, and listening to him sing still makes me smile - People covers notwithstanding. If I had to agree with a celebrity's lifestyle before I would allow myself to be entertained by their music/movies/television shows, I'd be able to listen to Toby Keith and the guy who sings Butterfly Kisses (I stole that quote from someone, but I can't remember who) and watch Facing the Giants and Fireproof (both of which I liked, but a DVD collection consisting of two movies?)] Multiple people that I encountered on a daily basis assumed Clay Aiken was gay - and therefore they didn't like him, wouldn't let themselves like him, liked him but couldn't reconcile voting for him, or something similar that resulted in not calling his phone line that week. I believe if he hadn't been so "ambiguous", and had given us a different impression, he would have won easily.

It will be interesting to see that if, six years later - with actual photographic proof that Adam Lambert is either gay or at least, doesn't mind smooching around on guys - America looks past that and votes for him based on his talent only. I have to say, since I believe that my beloved country is headed in a very wrong direction, miles and miles from the ideals outlined in my even more beloved Bible, and quickly - I'll be a little sad to see Kris come in second. To me, it will show how things have changed in six years - while American Idol is a singing competition, of course, the contestants who get the farthest also resonate with the voters with their personalities, their values, their backgrounds, their similarity to the rest of us. Clay Aiken didn't quite resonate well enough in 2003. In 2009, has the "rest of us" changed to the point that Adam Lambert does?

* Incidentally, this also works in presidential elections. See Obama, Barack.

P.S. - GleeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE! Loved it so very much. If you didn't watch it, go watch the pilot here: Full-length Glee pilot on Fox.com. Seriously, isn't Don't Stop Believin' one of the best songs ever ever ever? It makes me want to run out and achieve a dream or something. And I can't wait to see the group sing Kanye West and Jamie Foxx's Gold Digger (promised in the upcoming season montage at the end of the episode, a wee montage which is supposed to hold us over until new episodes begin airing in the fall. Bah!)

Photo Blog Survey

Hi all - in my last post, I mentioned that I'd been tossing around the idea of starting a photo blog. I want to make it a good one (obviously) with content that people want and will look forward to reading. So I created a survey with just a few questions to help me decide how I should structure a photo blog, or if I should even do one in the first place. If you have about 3 minutes and you don't mind helping me out, please click here to take the survey. Thank you bunches - I'd give you a cookie, but virtual cookies taste awful.

I'm okay

Over the past few months, I've had that Sally Field moment multiple times because of you guys - no, not the "I used to look good" moment (although I've had that one in multiples too, it's not because of y'all) - I mean the "...I can't deny the fact you like me. Right now, you like me!"

People I know in real life are asking other people I know in real life about me. I'm getting a steady stream of comments and emails. Thanks so much you guys, it means a lot.

I just have a few minutes, but I just wanted to say that I haven't quit blogging, I don't intend to quit blogging (there's a caveat there, though - read on). I'm on yet another medical/personal leave from school because of the evil pancreatitis, which is being so very, very evil this time around. So much pain, which leads to inability to do anything, which leads to depression because this is NOT what I would like to be doing with myself at 30 (by the way, I'm 30, y'all. More on that later too.) Then the pain-induced depression leads to lethargy and lack of motivation, which means that I don't feel like doing the things I love to do (photography, fiddling with my pictures in Lightroom/Photoshop, running around with Scott and with friends, staying awake, and writing, among others.) So that explains the long hiatus.

After my school's administration sent parts of my blog to the hospital's risk management department, for crying out loud, to make sure I'm not a liability (again, for crying out loud! Do they really think I'd talk about patients in such a way that they could be identified? No way. I've had HIPAA ingrained into my daily way of life, and while I do talk about pathophysiology, patient presentation, and management of conditions that I find interesting, those conditions may be based on a patient that I saw (if so, NO personal details provided, obviously) or may be something that I read. Anyway, I will switch most of my school talk to another, completely anonymous blog. Most of my medical ramblings will be elsewhere, because the alerting of freaking risk management, which really makes me feel horrible (although for all I know, they alerted re: all blogs/Facebook/etc. that they were aware of) is not going to happen again. Besides, I don't even tell you my last name anywhere on this blog, and while I say I'm in West Virginia, I don't say which school I'm attending. Except I did say that I went to Marshall for my undergraduate degree (when We Are Marshall came out, I posted about that) - that doesn't mean I'm there now. Plenty of West Virginians go to WVU for undergrad and Marshall for medical school and vice versa. Even so, my medical ramblings have found a new, anonymous home.

I'm also thinking of starting a photography blog, too. If I do, that one won't be anonymous and I'll let y'all know.

Re: turning 30 - yep. Since I feel, physically, like I'm 60 already, I was underwhelmed by my 30th birthday. Do you know what did happen, though? I suddenly got interested in HGTV (the home & garden channel) for no reason in particular, literally on the day after my birthday. Weird. So now I'm TiVoing things like Design on a Dime, and I try to catch House Hunters and Curb Appeal or whatever else. Good times.

What else? Oh, I discovered How I Met Your Mother - love it! I watched the first three seasons on DVD within about 3 days, and am now almost caught up on Season 4. I did have a little problem with the Doogie transition into a barhopping, one-night-standish guy (because I used to luuuuuuurve Doogie. Not Neil Patrick Harris - Doogie. It was doomed from the start, though, because I was underage (11) and he didn't exist. Ah well.)

I've missed you guys. More later.

I am just crying, and crying, and crying, and so confused. And that's really all I feel like saying right now.

Just because I'm curious (and I don't know why I didn't think to ask this when I finished all of my rotations, because I think it's interesting to compare) - how did your OBGYN rotation go, if you happen to be a medical student reading this (or ex-medical student)? How were the attendings, residents? Did you feel that everyone hated your guts? (Sorry, that was probably just me, actually.) What was your schedule like? And what kinds of things did you do - like a week in L&D, a week on Gyn surgery, a few clinic days, etc.?

I'm just interested in how things are done at other medical schools. I know some students from other places (like the one from hither and the other guy from yon) read here sometimes - and maybe a few from my school too. If you're from my school, could you say so in your comment? You don't have to leave your name if you don't want to, and don't mention the school name either, because I don't think I ever have on the blog. Just tell me you go to school with me.

Or, nobody say anything at all. That would be okay too.

And also, I'm terrified of getting my OBGYN evaluation back - 50% of our grade comes from clinical evaluations (30% from attendings, 20% from residents.) I'm particularly afraid of the residents part, since I really did feel disliked. It could have been because I posted a few weeks ago about being disappointed in the rotation and such - but can't I say that? I've already picked up this year that we're supposed to be super-human robots who are made of stone and lack emotions (and think all patients in pain are drug-seeking trash) but are we also expected to pretend everyone and everything is wonderfully wonderful? Because it (and they) just isn't (and aren't.) I've always been one to not hide the way I really feel about things - I get really irritated when people are sweet as can be to your face and then rip you behind your back, and I just won't do that. Maybe I wasn't supposed to say that the atmosphere in the department was just weird, and not really conducive to learning at all - but that's how I felt. And it made me feel less crazy to find out that other students who had been through the rotation felt the same way as I did about things. So I thought I might make someone feel better, who was feeling the way I did but thought they were the only one. That's all. I didn't mean to hurt anybody or slander anyone - I didn't mention any names. I was just venting. And also, after that post (which I know was read and discussed by at least a few of the residents) they seemed quite a bit nicer to me. But maybe that was only to my face. Disclaimer: I'm not lumping everyone into the same group. Some of the residents and attendings were really great. (Actually, almost every attending was really great. I only got the "I hate your guts" vibe from one.)

Oh well, I can't do anything about it now. I did the same thing that I did on the previous three rotations - I was interested (genuinely), I asked questions (at least until I felt so uncomfortable that I stopped), I tried to see as many patients and write as many notes and be as helpful as possible (the patients seemed to appreciate me, at least - one of the ladies told me that I was the kindest person she had encountered in the hospital. Ha.) And I tried to improve - if I made a mistake, I tried not to make it twice. And also, darn it all, I'm a happy and cheerful person - but when you feel so unliked for no apparent reason, and when your attempts to help and be friendly and learn things fall flat time after time, it's just hard to keep that up.

But I haven't gotten anything close to a negative evaluation before (except for that one guy, The Attending Who Shall Not Be Named) and since the consensus is that OBGYN is the worst rotation of the 3rd year (I've heard over and over that Surgery is busier with more work and more hours, but the atmosphere is much better) I don't expect to get any negative evaluations from my last two, Pediatrics and Surgery. These evaluations are used to write our "Dean's Letter" (which is now called something else, but I can't remember what) that goes along with our residency applications. If something negative shows up only once, it can be tossed, assuming a personality conflict or a misunderstanding or something. But if it's a recurring pattern of the same negative thing popping up in the evaluation for more than one rotation, it stays.

So I'm not that worried about what the evaluation will actually SAY (although it may upset me, just because I felt really misunderstood and that the department didn't actually get to know the real me) but I am worried about my grade. Since the "clinical" part, like I said, is 50% of my grade, they could easily trash me and make half of my grade really bad - impossible to make up. And if I don't get a C or better in the rotation, I have to do the whole horrible thing over again.

Ack! I'm driving myself nuts. I'll stop blathering, and you can tell me how OBGYN went for you. And also, any tips for Pediatrics or Surgery? The floor is open for those too!

Now, I consider myself an animal lover, but ...

... it's about time the government put some protection in place for researchers, so that they don't have to worry about loony-bird PETA activists flooding their homes with garden hoses or putting information about them and their family members all over the internet.

From the LA Times blog:

New Protections For Animal Researchers

California lawmakers have adopted new protections for animal researchers. Patrick McGreevy reports from Sacramento:

On Friday, three weeks after firebomb attacks on UC Santa Cruz animal researchers and months after vandalism at a UCLA professor's home, state senators unanimously approved an emergency measure to strengthen laws protecting academics against violence and intimidation.

It would create a new misdemeanor charge for entering residential property of an academic researcher with the intent to intimidate or interfere with research.

The measure also would make it a misdemeanor to publish information on the Internet that describes an academic researcher or his or her family members, or gives the location of their residence with the intent that another person use the information to commit violence or make threats.

...

The home of a UCLA researcher incurred more than $20,000 in damage after being flooded by animal-rights activists who inserted a garden hose into the house. An incendiary device destroyed a car outside the home of a UC Santa Cruz researcher and a firebomb exploded nearby on the front porch of another researcher's home.

The attacks are believed to have been orchestrated by activists who regard the use of animals in research as inhumane. Lawmakers say the targeting of academics in such ways is intolerable.

The thing is, humans are just inherently more valuable than animals. I love my sweet and fuzzy kitty cats, and that Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commerical with "Angel" playing in the background rips my heart RIGHT OUT, but I still believe humans have more value (it's because we were created in the image of God and all, and animals weren't.) Not that I think animals should be abused for fun or any such thing (I'm looking at you, two guys from my high school who used to spend weekend nights running down animals for amusement) but if it's a question of, "Should animal research that will ultimately benefit humans continue?" then the answer is yes.

And for goodness sakes, leave the researchers alone. I shudder to think what a setback it would be to have your entire lab destroyed.

Stop making me cry, Michael Phelps!

Mom and I are watching the Olympics, and she said that swimming lessons have jumped as kids are all, "I want to be like Michael Phelps!" And then:

Me: Well, he seems like a nice kid - he might make a good role model. It's better than wanting to be like some of those other celebrities."
Mom: Yeah, like ZZ Top.
Me: Who wants to be like ZZ Top?

It's like Ron, my hair guy said today - "Your mom is funny."

Nevermind.

I keep hoping I'll wake up and find that this has been a very bad dream.

It's been awhile.

I haven't been around for a ridiculously long time. And you guys left a few comments like, "At least let us know you're alive" and I was so busy and so tired that I didn't get around to it, and then I haven't had any comments for awhile, and so I decided that people might actually think I'm dead. I'm not. I'm just up to my ears in OBGYN, and counting the minutes until this one's over. It's disappointing, too - after the fun & educational experience I had with the family doc I worked with during my last rotation, who did a morning of prenatal visits and a day at the hospital delivering and rounding on postpartums and such, I was really looking forward to this OBGYN stuff. I just - I don't know. The people just aren't what I expected (not ALL of them - a few of the residents and attendings are really great.) And while I like all of my fellow students on this rotation, I still miss my 2009 class. This is my first rotation without them (most everyone else is in the class of 2010) and you know, I'd gotten accustomed to their faces. Oh well. At least I do like them, as I said.

But of course, the patients are still there. And y'all know how I love patients. So they make everything worth doing.

I miss writing - this week I'm on Labor & Delivery (days) and next week I'm on Night Float (which is Labor & Delivery at night.) Then the two weeks after that are fairly light as far as clinic/hospital work goes - they kindly give us some time to study for our NBME miniboard. But I may take a few minutes out of those light days to take a break from studying and recount some of the stuff that I've neglected to write about for eleventy billion years. Mwah!

This is a shocker.

Clay Aiken Impregnates 50-year-old Producer Jaymes Foster?

GET. OUT.

I fully expected the AOL link to "Former 'Idol' to be a Daddy?" to be anoter Corey Clark "Look at me, look at meeeee!" story. Holy crap.

It's okay, Shelby, women are havin' babies every day!

I'm having a ball on this rotation. Like I said, I'm working at a little clinic that is close to home, with a family doc that I've known of for what seems like forever. She is truly a selfless person, and just works tirelessly for that little community, and they all love her. In my trek through the different departments, I've encountered lots of M.D.s (and D.O.s) - there are two distinct ends of the spectrum. Some are "physicians", commanding respect and admiration for all that they've accomplished. And some are "docs", who are following a calling outside of themselves, and who meant it when they said in their admissions interview that they wanted to "help people". The "docs" get the respect and admiration anyway, but they'd never go looking for it. My preceptor this semester is the epitome of a Doc.

Family Medicine doctors are trained in OBGYN as well as some surgery, and you can do some, all, or none of those in your practice. My preceptor does OB (which is my next rotation, by the way, so I'm getting a jump start on some things. The Lord takes such good care of me - He's trying to build my confidence so that I won't totally panic before starting the OB rotation. I'm getting a chance to know the OB residents, attendings, and nurses as well, which is good.) On Wednesdays she's on call at the hospitals, so I spend all day with her, rounding on postpartum moms and pregnant women with other medical problems, and being around whenever one of her patients decides to deliver. (Those deliveries, by the way, are so awesome and I love them. They put me on this great natural high, because I love watching God's handiwork enter the world, and the interaction between the mom & dad and the rest of the family always brings a tear or two.)

Last Wednesday, none of the students on the OB rotation were around, because they hadn't started "Night Float" yet - and that's when the students get to be on Labor & Delivery. This week, two students in my class were there doing night float, and they were each assigned to our two laboring moms. When I heard that, my heart just sank - I didn't think they'd let two students in the room.

I went with my preceptor (I'll call her Dr. L) to check the mom's progress, and she was dilated to 10 and fully effaced, so that's when we all gown up. Plus there were some head compressions on the fetal monitor (not as scary as they sound - it just means that the baby is getting into the birth canal) and that's what sent us in there in the first place. I asked the mom if she minded if a student observed, and she said no, and I asked how many she'd be comfortable with, and she said one. My heart was recovering from the earlier sinkage, and had risen to somewhere around my pyloric sphincter, but that made it sink again, because I knew it would be the OB student and not me. I didn't say anything, though, and I chatted with mom & dad for a few minutes about the baby and names and other kids and such, and then started to leave. Mom said, "The student will be you, right?" I said no, and Dad said, "How many students would have to be in here for you to be in here?" I held up two fingers. Mom said that was fine. I asked her approximately 17 more times, and told her it was all about her and that I didn't want her to regret a thing about the experience, and she said that she wanted me there. Yay! So I got to watch that birth, and I actually made Mom, Dad and other family members in the room laugh in those awkward pauses between pushes.

At one point, Mom said that her hair must be a mess. I told her that she was beautiful, and Dad agreed. By this time we could see the top of the baby's head, and a shock of dark hair. So I said, "The baby's hair, on the other hand, is looking a little rough." Then I added, "I think he just has too much product in it." Hardy har har. That made everybody laugh. Obviously, you have to get a feel for the personality of the parents and the family (and your attending doc and resident) before you say something like that, but I am a big fan of humor. If I didn't laugh, I'd cry.

Which brings me to my next point - I was talking to the other two students that are on OB (incidentally, since a class just graduated, the rest of my class are officially fourth-year students. Yay for them!) One of the students asked if I was going to take the Step 2 review course, and I asked when it was. And the other student said, "She's not a 4th year." Which brought tears behind my eyes, because I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore since I took some time off. One of the things that helped me through the first two hellacious years of medical school was the fact that my class and I were going through it together - I saw it as a kind of "band of brothers" thing, although everybody else in the class may think I'm crazy and I may be the only one who felt that way. But now, my class is in their last year, and I still have this rotation and three more to do. I feel like they've all moved above me and are looking down on me now, so I don't belong with them. But I don't belong in the class below me either, because I barely know them (with a few exceptions). So the camaraderie is gone, and I feel like I don't have any peers that I can talk to. It makes me really sad, actually. I even feel that I can't really talk to close friends in my class in the same way - it's kind of like they're freshmen in college and I'm still in lowly high school, and I just feel stupid. You know, typing this, I realized that I don't even feel right calling the class of 2009 "my class" anymore. So, I've been kind of keeping to myself as much as possible, but it makes me sad. Oh well. Nothing can be done about it now, and everything works out in the end. The Lord has me in the palm of His hand and carries me through my difficult days. I just can't praise Him enough. So I know I'm never truly alone.

And finally, I had a patient today who tried to quote a Bible verse to me to prove that Jesus smoked weed. I'm totally NOT convinced. I do love patients, though - they are so great. That is all.

And I was only interested in the Board of Education, anyway

So West Virginia had their primary election yesterday, as I'm sure everyone knows since for some reason, Hillary Clinton has basically lived here for the past several days (Dear New York - Please take her back. Thanks lots. Love, Kim). I left the clinic where I'm working on some days of the week (a great little rural clinic near my house - I mean, near my real home, my parents' house) and realized it was about 7:17PM. Usually not a problem, but I was about 15 minutes from my polling place, closing at 7:30PM, and I was dead-set on voting because I wanted to vote against the current Board of Education president. Under her public face, she doesn't really care about education - sports are much more worthwhile* - she doesn't stand behind the great teachers of our county (the only ones who care enough about the kids to try to give them a chance at a better life, instead of continuing the welfare cycle.) She says ladylike and professional things at county commission meetings (which are taped, by the way) such as threatening to "cut off the balls" of a guy she disagrees with. Nice, huh? She could have at least said "castrate". And also, whenever she's quoted in our county newspaper Democrat Party spin machine, her grammar makes me want to hide in a corner and never come out.

But that's just my opinion.

I rolled in at about 7:31PM, meeting Mom & Dad on the way, and ran down the hall to my precinct's room.

Me: Am I too late???

Republican pollworker: No, come on in!

Democrat pollworker: She can't vote! The polls are closed!

Republican pollworker: Are those machines still on?

Some guy: Yes ...

Republican pollworker: Then she can vote! Come on in!

Meanwhile, I was doing this interesting in-out-in-out peepee dance in the doorway while they kept giving me conflicting information. The rest of the story - the machine still gave me a ballot and let me submit it, so I voted. A lot of good it did - The Queen of Bad Grammar (With Castration On the Side) got voted in anyway. Drat.

* Sports is ONLY more important if a kid happens to be 6'11 in the 12th grade and headed for a pro career. Otherwise, studying to keep yourself from being ignorant is a fantastic idea.

EDIT - I forgot something about the voting experience. There was a guy at the other machine who said that he couldn't read, so a pollworker was helping him. She asked who he wanted for president, and he said, "The white woman!" Ha.

A Good Week! Yay!

I've seen the best
I've seen the worst
I wouldn't change what I've been through
I've touched the sky
I've hit the wall
But I did what I had to

On my way here
Where I am now
I've learned to fly, I have to want to leave the ground
I've fallen hard
But I've been loved
And in the end it all works out
My faith has conquered fear
On my way here
Clay Aiken, On My Way Here

Part of the lyrics from the first single on his new album that was released Tuesday (May 6th) - I love it. It makes me cry, and it's almost like he's been living my life for the past few years (although I realize he didn't write the song.) Anyway, the whole album is good - his best yet by far, in my opinion. Of course, I will always love that voice, and the production quality and the songs seem better this time around.

So! I finished my first week back at school and I have lots to say, but I just wanted to let y'all know that I have had a GREAT week, and I am loving life right now, and I'm all-over-the-place thankful to my Lord, from whom all good things come. He is so good to me. I'll write more later about what I've been up to this week, for those of you who are interested! But for now, I'm a sleepy girl and I need a nap. :-)

Before I went back to school, I got my hair cut and my hair guy (Ron Wilson from Ron Wilson Hair Gallery, he is fantastic) talked me into highlights:

I decided after awhile that they were too red and were making me look a little washed out (and I'm translucent anyway) so I bought some Perfect 10 at Walmart and darkened the red a little. The red still shows through, but not so much, which is exactly what I wanted. I was scared as I was washing out my Walmart dye, though, because the suds? Were purple. Lavender, actually. So I was terrifed that I'd end up like one of those little ladies with violet hair. To ease your troubled mind - I didn't.

More later.

A quick update

I haven't written for awhile - I had the pain clinic decrease my fentanyl patch from 50 mcg/hr to 37.5 mcg/hr (which is a 25 patch & a 12.5 patch) beginning 4 days ago, and I've been in quite a bit of pain, despite my breakthrough meds. I'm also decreasing my Paxil from 40 mg to zero (I'm down to 10 mg), overlapping it with Prozac so that the short half-life of Paxil doesn't cause SSRI discontinuation syndrome as I cut it down (the whole discontinuation thing TOTALLY sucks - tingly extremities, "electric shocks" through my head, extreme irritability, total insomnia, and crying for no reason.) If you're taking Paxil and want to taper off of it, talk to your doctor about adding 20 mg or so of Prozac during the taper, for a Prozac a day keeps the SSRI discontinuation syndrome away. At least it has for me - I've been decreasing by 10 mg every 2 or 3 weeks, and haven't had problems so far. Except for my anxiety going through the roof.

I start back to school in a week, and I'm so nervous about it. I could really use your prayers, please - because I'm still sick, and I'm so anxious, and sad, and lonely. It gets increasingly harder to put on a face in public, you know? So I haven't written here, because I'm afraid I would end up saying what I actually think. I'm just not one of those people who is all, "I'm fine on my own!" because I'm not. I need Christ. I need Scott. I need my family, and I need friends. I need people to hug me occasionally; to send a quick message to let me know they're thinking of me. I need to be told that things are going to be okay. I don't care if that makes me seem weak, because I AM weak. I'm not sure how else to cry for help - help. Help. Help.