Still crazy, but possibly sincere

You know, it just occurred to me that the day that Tom Cruise was boinging around on Oprah's couch, that he may have really just been that excited. Since he and Katie are seemingly still together, and Suri (which I still think sounds like a British apology) exists and doesn't appear to be a robot or an alien. How about that.

I would write about the wonderfully good day that I had on Saturday, in which I actually FELT WELL, and the fact that Jim Sturgess (from 21 and Across the Universe) has gone directly to the #1 position on my Geeky Hollywood Fake Boyfriends List. Don't worry, Scott knows all about this. But it's not a threat to him, given that he's the only person on my Geeky West Virginia Real Boyfriends list.

But I can't elaborate now, because I've just discovered that I'm accidentally watching Jerry Springer: My Boyfriend is a Woman. Ack.

THIS is the rest of the story

Back in November, I wrote a post that I titled, "The Lord answers prayers, part deux" about Scott's employment and how God really answers prayers and is faithful in taking care of our needs. I thought it was probably best for me not to be very detailed at the time, but I can be now, and I am so so so sooooo relieved and happy about this that I just have to write about it. It's going to take me a little while to get there, though, so hang on. When Scott came back from Virginia Tech with his Ph.D. in 2005 to do a postdoc at the university here, I was ecstatic. (See?) But in the back of my mind, I knew that a postdoc is a temporary position (his was for 3 years.) And after that, what? Like I've said before, I am a total homebody and this area is and always will be home, because this is where a big part of my large extended family is, and this is where I have always lived. It's more than that, though, really - some people enter medicine and feel called to join Doctors Without Borders, or to do missionary work overseas. I admire those who heed that calling, but I see a need here - here, an area that has always been home to me, full of people who have helped and encouraged me along the way. Friends of the family, teachers, church family, on and on - I am an "almost doctor" because of God and because of the encouragement and prayers from my loved ones here at home. It doesn't make any sense for me to grow up here among all of this love and encouragement, get my medical training, and then go to Timbuktu to care for people there. I feel that I should give back to all of those who have been there for me throughout my life - they need healthcare as well, and nothing else makes sense to me. To go elsewhere and use my degree just seems silly.

And also, there's Scott. Scott, who I've given 10 years of my life - the years when I was my prettiest, the years when other guys my age were the most available (now they're all married or engaged - heh) - but I don't begrudge those years at all, because I also gave Scott my heart, at the very beginning, and I'm never getting it back.

Not only do I just love him to pieces, but he is such a wonderful person, y'all - he's crazy brilliant, but he's also country at heart (I'm a hunting widow every fall, there's wildlife hanging on the walls of his house that he once saw alive, and his freezer is a mixture of goodness from the slaughterhouse - deer and pig. Eeeeck.) He's completely adorable with his niece and nephews, and they love him right back. He will spend hours watching sci-fi with his grandma. He loves his mama. He has shelves and shelves of Bible study materials that he actually uses - he teaches Sunday School and teaches Bible study one Wednesday per month, and hasn't missed Sunday school for almost 25 years. YEARS! He doesn't smoke, drink, or curse - he has never tasted beer or been in a bar. He's witty and makes me laugh. He's completely trustworthy, responsible, and reliable. I've never, ever, not in 10 years, been suspicious about another girl (although there is one that I'm irrationally jealous about for no particular reason.) Oh, and he's cute, too. And to beat it all, I gave my heart to his family as well - and they're all here, too. The only thing I can't figure out is why Scott picked ME and seems to have settled on the fact that I'm the only one for him, when he could do so much better. Oh well.

So you can see why I'd want to keep him, and why I want to keep him HERE. And for seven years now, since he left for graduate school, I have worried and prayed about his future employment - prayed, worried, prayed, worried, felt that things were all right, then went back to worrying, and praying, and worrying. I couldn't imagine leaving home and I couldn't imagine saying goodbye to Scott - the thought of either brought a flood of tears and more worrying and praying. But God is so faithful. The worrying was so unnecessary, and all of the tears and lost sleep and anxiety and panic was without merit, because I serve a big God and He loves me, and He loves Scott, and He had the whole thing figured out a long time ago.

Yesterday Scott found out that his application for a tenure-track assistant professorship at the local university, our alma mater (where we met, actually), was accepted. Starting in August, he'll be a professor of chemistry at [BLANK] University. And in about 7 years, when he gets tenure and becomes a full professor, then that's a darn-well permanent position. Not like these chemical companies that are here for awhile, and they hire chemists, and then all of a sudden they'll be like, "By the way, you're moving to Texas tomorrow." Scott has a good job here at home, in his field, that uses his degree. God is so, so good, and I love Him. And Scott. And everybody. I love everybody!

One of my favorite verses applies again:

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end (Jeremiah 29:11).

Do you think this means I shouldn't worry so much about getting through medical school, because God is going to work that out too? Hmmm ...

This is Scott and two of his nephews and his niece - when he would come back home from Virginia to visit, they'd all just pile on him. It was so cute.

Life's good.

Geeeeeeeeez! I've been gone for awhile.

I have no excuse - just holidays, my birthday, and sickness. Did you know I've been sick on about 26 of the last 29 birthdays? It's kind of my trademark. You should see some of the pictures that I have from my birthdays when I was a wee tot - standing in front of a flickering Snoopy cake, looking unsure whether to blow on it or barf on it. Actually, in this day and age, you COULD see that picture. I'm at the apartment, though, and the picture's at home - I'll scan and add it later. I was so darn cute when I was a kid, I'd hate to deprive you of my cherubian face and my dark curls. (I'm not being vain - because while I was a cute kid, I'm not so cute anymore. So.)

What have I been doing, you ask? Let's see. I ushered in Christmas Eve. Then I ushered it out and ushered in Christmas. Then I ushered it out and ushered in my birthday (my 29th birthday - this is the one that I just keep celebrating the anniversary of, right?) and my pancreas reared it's ugly head even higher than normal. And then I got some sort of virus that came complete with lots of barfage, weird leg pain and twitching. That stayed around until New Year's Eve. Scott was very sweet through that whole viral crap - he came up to see me almost every day and was all attentive and stuff. Awww.

Then I started back to school on January 7th - I'm on my Family Practice rotation. So far, I really like it. It's soooooooo much better than my foray into Internal Medicine (I blame a lot of that debacle, though, on the fact that I was so sick and everyone was all, "How dare you be human!!!") This time, a whole different me showed up to the first day of the rotation. I am a lot more interested, responsible, and attentive when I don't feel like someone is stabbing me in the gut.

And I've watched Reign Over Me, Juno, and Enchanted. I'd recommend them all - especially Juno. I adore Michael Cera (is he too young to join my Geek Love Fake Boyfriend Brigade? I'll have to check.) And Ellen Page makes a great debut. It's funny, heartwarming, and just very darn good.

Oh, and I saw a toenail fungus yesterday. I itched the whole rest of the day. I know that Trichophyton (Trichophytons?) don't have legs and couldn't have jumped on me, but still. The mind is a powerful thing. Also, did you know that adults most commonly get toenail infestations by dermatophytes, which invade normal keratin? And that older adults (i.e., geriatric adults) most commonly get toenails infected with mold, which invade irregular keratin? I didn't either.

Shameless self-promotion, which may be interesting if you're looking for gifts for a beloved geek or medical student

So, I have a store set up at Cafepress. And it has stuff in it. And it's not all Ramble Strip stuff, because I realize that wearing "Ramble Strip" doesn't have that wide of an appeal, you know? Well, I would hope that it does, but it just doesn't. Anyway, I do have some items (clothing mostly - T-shirts, sweatshirts, tank tops, hats, etc.) that may be appropriate for those of the geek persuasion - your favorite nerd, a dorky acquaintance, you know. There's also some general medical student/doctor stuff there. So if you're looking for gifts, you might want to take a gander. Here's a sample of the slogans that are in the shop (either in "Medicine" or "Geek Love"). Most things come in a pretty wide range of colors, and the products I've bought for myself have been good quality - they wash well, keep their shape, that kind of thing. And I've found that for me, they're true to size. If you have any other medicine-related or geeky slogans that you want me to slap onto some products, let me know. We can work out a profit-splitting arrangement! Each product image is linked to the Cafepress page where you can find it.

My Brain is Hung Like a Horse

Curse Words Are Nothing To Swear By

Keep Out of Direct Sunlight

Geeks Make My Heart Go S1, S2, S1, S2

My Invisibility Cloak Must Have Malfunctioned

Be the Doctor Your Parents Wanted You to Marry (there's also a kids' version of this that says, "I'm Gonna Be the Doctor My Mommy Wants Me to Marry")

I Fear That Medical School Has Driven Me Completely Insane

Real Men Marry Doctors

Medical Stud(ent)

The mirror image of the word 'narcissist'

Optometrists Can't Keep Themselves From Making Spectacles

'I'm Quoting Myself,' I Said

You Can't Spell SARCASM Without L-E-T-T-E-R-S

Now, are those not all freaking awesome? Well, most of them are. Your life is incomplete without one, you know. Let's see, what else? Oh, "You Buy T-Shirts Now!" tm IMAO.

The Lord answers prayers, part deux

I have had many, many, many (many times infinity) talks with God about Scott's and my future, given that Scott's degree is a doctoral degree in chemistry, and this area isn't exactly booming with opportunities for someone trained as such. When he was away at Virginia Tech working on his graduate degree, and I was here missing him like crazy, I remember him telling me that the chances of him finding permanent employment here at home were like, 2%. (He's speaks in percentages. It's part of the nerdiness that is so "him" that I love so much.) I don't remember if he said "2%", exactly, but it was something that translated into "very, very, very unlikely."

Now, if y'all can't tell, I am a total homebody. I'm from a big family (Mom had 9 brothers and sisters and Dad had 7, and I have 40 first cousins and uncountable second cousins.) Although I'm an only child, I grew up around my extended family and I love them all dearly - and besides, this area is home to me and always will be. I should mention that Scott's family are all here as well. So I've been torn, because Scott is without question the one that God put on this earth for me, and yet he pursued this degree which would almost certainly take him away from here. It has been a huge source of stress for me because I can't imagine a life without Scott in it, forever; nor can I imagine a life lived somewhere else.

You know what, guys? And to segue into this next part, I'm going to have to quote a guy in my class here, after he got his score on Step 1 (hi, Billy!), "Jesus must like me a WHOLE LOT."

I'm not sure how much I can say as far as details go, but God has worked this out in such a wonderful way. And Scott was so perfectly sweet in telling me about it. I never prayed for specific things - I always just told the Lord that He knew my heart, and He knew my future, and I just prayed for His will as far as Scott and employment was concerned. God is so good. SO good. I can't imagine not knowing Christ as Savior, and not being able to claim these verses that I quoted the last time I had a huge prayer burden lifted:

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end (Jeremiah 29:11).

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you (John 15:16).

I think my life may actually work out almost exactly the way I've imagined it (or at least the way I've imagined it for 10 years, since Scott showed up and quickly became a positively permanent fixture in my future. Alliteration? It's a good thing.) And for the first time in a long, long, LONG time, I actually feel happy right now. Happy. Huh.

This was in the summer of 2003 - see? I'm actually not so scary on the eyeballs when I don't weigh 4 1/2 tons. I'm on my way back down, though - I'm back at Weight Watchers, eating healthy stuff, and I'm exercising again. That's one thing I'm working on while I'm taking this rotation off. I used to run between 3 and 5 miles every day, and I felt so sane and actually had some self-esteem. I need to get back there - somehow I have let myself get WAY out of control. Oh, and it looks like Scott has a rather large hole in his head. He actually doesn't - his head is 100% intact. Dont' be alarmed.

I'm sorry that this is all about me lately, but ...

... my stupid and evil pancreas (and the pain thereof) has kind of been the focus of my life over the past couple of weeks. So, I posted about ER visits #1 and #2, and left you hanging about ER visit #3, which my GI doctor's office told me to make, right? Okay. Scott came to my apartment and picked me up, and off to the ER we went. (Incidentally, while we were there we ran into someone that goes to his church, so we were talking to her while her dad was back with the 0%-compassion ER doctors. Her dad's caregiver was there too, and when she came in she told us that people were coming out of the ER with prescriptions for Lortab and such, and selling them right outside in the parking lot. Nice. So the 0%-compassion ER doctors, who walk around with soap boxes for shoes and who think they are waging personal wars on drugs, are - uh, not. Instead they're making chronic pain patients cry.)

Anyway, we had to wait for hours and hours, and Scott read an article called "Dendrimer-Functional Self-Assembled Monolayer as a Surface Plasmon Resonance Sensor Surface" to keep him occupied (he's a peach - I kept trying to make him go home, but he stayed until I left, at 3AM. He's also such a science dork. I love him.) When I went through triage, the nurse looked at my chart from earlier and said, "Oh, so you don't have pancreatitis, huh?" I said, "I wish." He said, "Well, your enzymes aren't elevated, so they have here that you don't have pancreatitis." I said, "I have CHRONIC pancreatitis. The enyzmes don't go up anymore because my pancreas is a shriveled, calcified, fibrotic nugget." Don't have pancreatitis. I wish. And then when I saw Dr. 0% Compassion, he determined that I take narcotics. Well, duh - I have a chronic pain condition that I'm trying to manage. Then he says that he called my GI doctor twice and that the GI doctor told him that he was concerned about addiction and tolerance. (Again, duh on the tolerance - I've had to take pain medicine on and off for years - I'm sure I have mu opioid receptors galore. It also happens with steroids, and TOLERANCE and physical dependence have nothing to do with ADDICTION.) Incidentally, I think I love Dr. Jennifer Schneider, MD, PhD, and I almost want to travel to Arizona to see her. She says something great in this interview about addiction, that tells me that I'm NOT an addict:

Opioids also can, and usually do, cause physical dependence. The body makes changes to adapt to the opioids and if you stop suddenly, you get this unpleasant withdrawal syndrome.

... that's what physical dependence is — it has nothing to do with addiction. Addiction is not necessarily a physical thing. Addiction is a psychological phenomenon consisting of three elements. One is loss of control, which means you intend to use only so much but when you have access you keep taking the substance. The second is continuation despite significant adverse consequences, which means even if the substance – let’s say alcohol -- is causing liver damage, you’re arrested for a DUI, or are fired from your job, you still take it. In fact, one of the major differences between chronic pain patients and addicts is that the opioids expand the life of the pain patient. They make things better — they improve the patient’s functioning and pain whereas with the addict, their life constricts and they become more and more focused on the drug that they are misusing. So you have the opposite effect, and that’s what I’m talking about when I say addicts continue to use it despite adverse consequences. Pain patients on prescribed opioids don’t have adverse consequences — they may have side effects from opioids but they don’t have these types of adverse consequences (eg, loss of a job, organ damage). The third element of addiction is the preoccupation or obsession with obtaining, using, and recovering from the effects of the drug.

The thing about expanding your life is so true - when my pain is controlled, I feel like eating, exercising, spending time with Scott/family/friends, enthusiastically getting through my rotation assignment for the day, and studying at night. Oh, and I can sleep without having to wake up in the middle of the night in pain. When my pain is undertreated (like I was on the q8hrs prescription from the pain clinic) I can barely get off the couch, I have to lie in the fetal position to try to squish my intestines together, I find it hard to concentrate on anything because the pain is so bad, and I'm in a bad mood. It's not withdrawal, it's pancreatitis pain.

Back to the ER. Dr. 0% Compassion, after telling me that my doctor thought I was an addict, said, "You addicts lose the high from your Lortab or whatever, and come in here for your IV Dilaudid fix." Yes, he called me an addict. I said, "I haven't been to the ER as a patient in SIX YEARS." That didn't interest him - he went on to tell me that I was not going to make it through the rest of medical school, and by this time, I'm so humiliated and beaten down and sad (not to mention in pain) that I'm just sobbing. And then he said that he was going to order an abdomen/pelvis CT and if he didn't see acute pancreatitis, he wasn't admitting me. (If I hadn't been crying so hard, I would have told him that he wouldn't see ACUTE pancreatitis - I'm way past acute.) "I'm telling you this as a friend," he said, and left - I didn't see him again. They gave me a shot of IV fentanyl, told me that I didn't have acute pancreatitis after my CT results came back (surprise!) and discharged me, so I left feeling worse than when I came in.

Yesterday, I went to see my GI doctor (who told me that he told them that my pain was not being managed well and that I needed to see a pain specialist.) He also told me that I wouldn't finish medical school if I was taking the medication that I've been taken throughout medical school (and throughout my life, for that matter) and that if I did, that I'd be fired from residency. Great. So part of my breakdown last night was the idea that the past two years of my life have possibly been for NOTHING. That I've cried and basically given up my life, and sacrified so much, and spent so much money and borrowed so much, for NOTHING. That better not be the case.

Y'all pray for me, please.

Pat Kiernan is tricky

First of all, I'm furious that I'm not a contestant on The World Series of Pop Culture for 2007 on VH1, because I can rock these questions and I'm at least as interesting as these people.

And also, even when I hear the lyrics of It's Tricky by Run-D.M.C. READ by Pat Kiernan, I still have to dance to it. Just in case you were wondering. (By the way, I was totally amused with Pat's lyrics-reading in the "Rump Shaker" category. Hee.)

I'm having trouble finding non-school stuff to talk about since I'm not in the middle of the Harry Potter craze (I think I'm the only person on earth) but I am going to see Order of the Phoenix tonight with Scott and Huan. At least I think that's the name of it. Speaking of movies, Transformers was way better than I expected. It made me wonder if Shia LeBeouf is too young to be added to my Geek Love list (which also includes Zach Braff, Clay Aiken (shut up), and Adam Brody). *quick IMDb check* No! He's 21, which makes his addition to the list legal, but slightly creepy. Oh well. The movie also made me want to name my kid Optimus Prime. Would that be wrong? I mean, it's better than Pilot Inspektor (sic).

I'm not dead y'all.

I'm just busily intermittently seeing patients while sometimes doing nothing, and also trying to keep up with my fake medication regimen (more later).

There's much to tell*, but my brain, it has shut down for the night. I just wanted to say hi. I missed you, faithful readers. Let's see, is there anything I can tell you real quick? Oh yes, a little exchange between Scott and me while we were at dinner at Logan's the other night.

Me: So I was supposed to have clinic, but Dr. Psychiatrist-Who-Was-Covering-Student-Clinic was out of town and there was no clinic, so I was just there for consults.
Him: I think it's funny that you say "CON-sults".
Me: What am I supposed to say?
Him: It's con-SULTS.
Me: No it isn't - I've never heard anyone say it that way when they're using it as a noun.
Waiter: Do you need a refill?
Me: Yeah, thanks. (I drink diet cola like a fish. A fat fish.)
Him: That doesn't mean it's right. It's like how everyone says trans-alkyl something, when they're talking about that one thing, and it's really supposed to be blahdeblah and ghosh instead of trans, because of single bonds and something-or-other. (I love him, but I just don't always know what he's talking about - and sometimes I forget the actual words so I have to make them up.)
Me: Oh.
Him: Yeah. Like that.
Me: Well, they say CON-sults on House. And ER. And in real life.

So I looked it up. It turns out that you CAN pronounce it "CON-sult" if you're using it as a noun, but it's the second pronounciation after "con-SULT". Well, that's just stupid. Nobody says it that way. Isn't it sad that Scott and I have settled numerous arguments with a dictionary? We're such giant dorks.

By the way, I PASSED THE FREAKING USMLE STEP ONE! Yaaaaay! More on school stuff later.

*Risk management people or whoever you are, stop looking at me! I'm not going to violate HIPAA, okay? As usual, it's going to be all about meeeeeeee.

Diagnosis Wenckebach

Oh my goodness - I love dorky medical students. This is hilarious.

And if you're curious, here's some Wenckebach info (it's a Type I second degree heart block, with a prolonged P-R interval and a "dropped" QRS - which I just learned from Wikipedia. Heh.)

On Tuesday, Scott was here in the evening getting ready for the chemistry course that he teaches (my apartment is much more convenient for that than his house is, given that it's closer to his lab.) I had my "Good Grammar Is Hot" T-shirt hanging in the bathroom drying, and when he got out of the shower, he came into the living room and said, "'Good grammar is hot'? What's that mean? Good grammar ain't hot!"

Ha ha. I adore him. He's all witty and stuff. I also adore that T-shirt. (But not as much as I adore the T-shirts from Threadless - Nude No More. Go check them out - I'll bet you find something you like. The shirts are good quality, too.

I have exams on Thursday and Friday of this week (Patient Care, Pathology, Pharmacology, and Genetics) and then I have two mini-board exams next week in Path and Pharm. The next week, I have my OSCE (a practical exam where I do a complete physical exam on a "professional patient"). And the week after that, I start my review course for the USMLE Step One. Yiiiiikes.

So anyway, I have a busy life these days, filled with way too much torturous studying. I'll try not to be so scarce. You should leave comments to amuse me. :-)

I love my geek

I'll get to it - I just have to give you some backstory first.

I've been away from the blog for a few days, due to the fact that I woke up in the wee hours of the morning on January 1st and discovered I'd been invited to an exclusive Barf-A-Thon. I realize that's not all that unusual, considering what most people do on New Year's Eve, but I went to CHURCH, for crying out loud. Church! And there is no drinking at church. But somewhere in the days prior, unbeknownst to be, a virus had taken up residence - one that would eventually cause gross spewage from two different orifices. Ack. So that day, I was so dehydrated and weak and tired, I slept for about 18 hours (like a cat) and didn't even feel like sitting up. It was horrible.

The next day, there was no more spewage, and I could sit up for a few minutes, but no prolonged standing. And the NEXT day, I had to start school again. Bleargh. Somehow I managed to get through the morning, although I wished that our seats had barf bags on them like in airplanes, and that afternoon/evening I took two naps, and went to bed early, and I'm STILL tired and weak. Anybody else had this evil GI virus? How long before I feel back to normal? I mean, being tired is a given, because I'm a medical student, but I can't handle being double-tired. I even missed some lectures today, just because I felt like yesterday's garbage. And I really don't like to miss lectures.

So while I was napping and Mom was vacuuming (she's keeping me company and cleaning around the apartment, bless her heart) someone apparently hit my car, which was parked on the street. And the car behind the guilty car saw what happened, and saw the car hit me and drive off, and so he followed her, and got a license number and description of the car, and then came to my apartment building to try to find my car's owner.

I called Scott at the lab to tell him about my poor car, which is now missing a driver's sideview mirror (his truck is missing a passenger sideview mirror) and said, "Now we're twins!"

Him: Well, not twins - mine's missing a passenger side mirror.
Me: Oh. Mirror images, then.
Him: Non-superimposable mirror images.

Hah. I love him.

So I feel horrid, and I want to lie back down, but I had to post that little nugget of geek love. I should be able to rest up over the weekend and will hopefully be back to normal next week. Hopefully.