The Lord answers prayers, part deux

I have had many, many, many (many times infinity) talks with God about Scott's and my future, given that Scott's degree is a doctoral degree in chemistry, and this area isn't exactly booming with opportunities for someone trained as such. When he was away at Virginia Tech working on his graduate degree, and I was here missing him like crazy, I remember him telling me that the chances of him finding permanent employment here at home were like, 2%. (He's speaks in percentages. It's part of the nerdiness that is so "him" that I love so much.) I don't remember if he said "2%", exactly, but it was something that translated into "very, very, very unlikely."

Now, if y'all can't tell, I am a total homebody. I'm from a big family (Mom had 9 brothers and sisters and Dad had 7, and I have 40 first cousins and uncountable second cousins.) Although I'm an only child, I grew up around my extended family and I love them all dearly - and besides, this area is home to me and always will be. I should mention that Scott's family are all here as well. So I've been torn, because Scott is without question the one that God put on this earth for me, and yet he pursued this degree which would almost certainly take him away from here. It has been a huge source of stress for me because I can't imagine a life without Scott in it, forever; nor can I imagine a life lived somewhere else.

You know what, guys? And to segue into this next part, I'm going to have to quote a guy in my class here, after he got his score on Step 1 (hi, Billy!), "Jesus must like me a WHOLE LOT."

I'm not sure how much I can say as far as details go, but God has worked this out in such a wonderful way. And Scott was so perfectly sweet in telling me about it. I never prayed for specific things - I always just told the Lord that He knew my heart, and He knew my future, and I just prayed for His will as far as Scott and employment was concerned. God is so good. SO good. I can't imagine not knowing Christ as Savior, and not being able to claim these verses that I quoted the last time I had a huge prayer burden lifted:

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end (Jeremiah 29:11).

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you (John 15:16).

I think my life may actually work out almost exactly the way I've imagined it (or at least the way I've imagined it for 10 years, since Scott showed up and quickly became a positively permanent fixture in my future. Alliteration? It's a good thing.) And for the first time in a long, long, LONG time, I actually feel happy right now. Happy. Huh.

This was in the summer of 2003 - see? I'm actually not so scary on the eyeballs when I don't weigh 4 1/2 tons. I'm on my way back down, though - I'm back at Weight Watchers, eating healthy stuff, and I'm exercising again. That's one thing I'm working on while I'm taking this rotation off. I used to run between 3 and 5 miles every day, and I felt so sane and actually had some self-esteem. I need to get back there - somehow I have let myself get WAY out of control. Oh, and it looks like Scott has a rather large hole in his head. He actually doesn't - his head is 100% intact. Dont' be alarmed.

I'm shrinking! Shreeeeeenking! (I hope.)

I'm a Lifetime member at Weight Watchers - I lost about 40 pounds back in 1999, was running 3-5 miles a day, and my anxiety and depression were at an all-time low. I kept my new routine up for a couple of years, and then ended up in a downward spiral (long story, maybe I'll tell it sometime) and gained all I had lost plus more, and stopped exercising. And then I started medical school, and gained about 20 more pounds. Ugh.

But, I'm tired of being fat, ugly and repulsive. I'm tired of being Scott's fat girlfriend. I'm tired of being everybody's "fat friend". I'm tired of my rock-bottom self-esteem. I renewed my YMCA membership on Monday (and actually worked out on Monday, Tuesday and today) and re-joined Weight Watchers on Tuesday. This huge person I'm walking around in is not me, and I'm quite tired of her - her thunder thighs, sausage arms, lack of energy, and giant rear end. Keep me honest, y'all. I have exactly 50 pounds to lose to get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight. I'll keep you updated (because I know you care.) :-)